This sem I am taking a module called Shakuhachi ensemble from NIE. Bought the plastic shakuhachi for $60 and after my first lesson, I need to start practising to play it. So far, I only manage to blow one note and most of the time, there is no sound when I blow the Shakuhachi.

So below is gonna be some links which I will use for my personal practises =]

Playing the first note
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qM6XU0YZa9s&feature=channel

Breathing and Posture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeEmhLeN1iY&feature=channel

I think nobody is going to mind if training is cancelled. I guess some may even rejoice at the information. In my opinion, it seems like nobody really wants and look forward to these extra trainings anyway. It's like, "if I have nothing better to do, I'll come" and "If I have something not important to do, then I won't come" or "if it's inconvenient for me, then I won't come". I'm not trying to shoot anyone or mean any harm in any way. Just that deep down in me, I sometimes feel these ways and I guess many others, if not all, feels the same deep inside too. Tell me if I'm wrong... and in fact I do have a little hope that I am mistaken in this matter.

So why, if people do not prioritise these trainings you hold for them, you prioritise holding these trainings more than anything else. Then again, why would I prioritise you and your interest when I wasn't your priority (even your interest in holding trainings is superior to me).

Sometimes I just feel that I am just chasing something so hopeless. Years later, I'm going to feel like I was such a fool.

He makes me feel like a beggar.

Begging for a meal together;
Begging for an outing together;
Begging for company;
Begging for more time to spend together;
Begging for more love...

That's why I say I hate to take the initiative to keep asking time and again.

"It's the perspective of him thinking he didn't reject you and you thinking he rejected you."

MooCow just told me about this pick-up line and I think it is pretty interesting:
Affinity is when I'm Haemoglobin and you're Oxygen.

I always remind myself to be independent. But it came to me as a shock when 39.10 told me that I am very dependent on him. On the other hand I felt that I couldn't get the attention especially when I need it most. So I think it requires a lot of give and take to reach a compromise.

Upon reflection, I guess perhaps it is not that untrue that I'm being overly dependent. I always need more pampering. *sigh*

Makes me wanna be red light flashing green/purple arrow. But that's absolutely inappropriate right?

Subject: These people turn me off
He's not talking about IJ girls.... and I got a kick out of reading it.

http://starblog.stomp.com.sg/post.php?blogid=1279

Heard this song on the radio a few times but I didn't manage to remember to find the lyrics or the vid on youtube. I heard it again yesterday at the pool parlor. So I'm remembering to find it today. Touched.

Sorry, blame it on me -Akon

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that
I've done things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know

That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect

I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there

Because I'm in the streets like everyday
I'm sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags
Just trying to stay busy until you heard from dad

When you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree

He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief

I'm sorry that I grew up way to fast
[ Sorry Blame It On Me lyrics from http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/ ]
I wish I would of listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
But they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me
Sorry Blame It On Me (Akon)

I woke up this morning to a a beautiful pot of flowers set in a tin watering can and a limited edition of a pouting Doraemon soft-toy at my bedside, reminding me of a wonderful day spent yesterday. As of yesterday, it has already been a year since I got attached.


So he came to my house at around noon, armed with a bag full of ingredients to prepare macaroni and cheese at my place, the limited edition Doraemon imported from Japan and also the pot of a mix of peach-coloured roses, daisies, Sun-flowers and other cute assortment of small yellow flowers and leaves. I already told him no flowers the previous night, but still this is the most beautiful ones I have ever received so far. I guess that it cost around $60.

So we spent a few hours trying to fix the macaroni and cheese and I learnt that he must not have cooked often, if ever at all. He forgot to put milk and the first tray came out too dry. I worked on the second one but it was too cinnamon-y for my taste. He also bought this pair of chocolat heart palm size cakes from Bakerzin and decorated it with chocolate chip ice cream and drizzled some Hershey's chocolate syrup.

We skipped training for an evening of pool, Ichiban dinner and movie. I lost all 5 games straight to him. His pool was really good and I told him I would like to ask my friends to play pool together and pair up with him for the game.

My part, there was the E63 phone and I baked horrible peanut butter cookies and gave him 19 heart shaped ones and 5 star-shaped ones. I paid for the Ichiban dinner and wanted to treat for the movie too but I was totally OOC (out of cash).

Even though I was a little irritated and fussy while we were preparing the macaroni and cheese but ultimately I had a great day. Only hoping that he enjoyed himself as much, if not more, too. Afterall, he has spent a bit and would already have felt the pinch, no point for him to brood over the money and forget about the enjoyment.

Labels: 39.10

Cryn is a scholar with a bright future ahead, a son who helps with housework and probably a good bf. I don't know his gf well so I won't really comment on the last bit. I teased him today, saying that his future wife will probably have it good. Just ask him to do the housework - he can sweep-magicclean-mop, laundry, iron clothes.

Me...I'm not so sure. If my future husband would be my current bf, then I will probably be slogging away with housework on top of work. Cook, house-cleaning, laundry. His home doesn't have any washing machine, I hope he doesn't expect handwashed laundry. "I'm never going to own a condo", "I don't want to have a car", these are plainly-laid words for me not to expect; these are phrases without a flicker of hope. It doesn't even feel like he's at least going to try to work towards it. No comfort-living and still must forgo my free time away to serve my husband - sounds like an unhappy life.

"Man can't live on Love alone." And even if I can live on love alone, then will there even be time and energy to love with such a pessimistic future?


Someday the blooming flowers will wilt and die..

Labels: 39.10

Went to Premier Thai on Saturday for Grandpa's birthday dinner. Ordered the claypot sharks' fin. the gravy is thick and so are that pieces of sharks' fin. Just needs to be a little saltier. Try it with their chopped green chilli.

I had been looking forward to this concert"SSO @ NTU" ever since I saw the banner in school. Since my week was a busy one and I'm gonna have an upcoming test tomorrow morning, I was hesitant about whether to go for this concert.

So I went, thinking that it will help me relax after 7+ hours straight of studying. And wow! It was awesome.

I was a little late though and saw people running to the auditorium and when I finally made it to the entrance, we were not allowed to admit because the concert has started. But soon after we were requested to go to the circular sitting area at the higher floor.

Conductor: Darrell Ang - When he conducts, it kinda feels like he's submerged in the music, taking in every note and lightly dipping the softer ones. Lots of energy and passion.

The programme is as such:
1) Ludwig Van Beethoven (1770-1827)
Overture to Egmont
2) Ludwig Van Beethoven
First Movement from Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67
3) Ludwig Van Beethoven
Finale from Symphony No. 3 in E-flat major, Op. 55 'Eroica'
4) Johannes Brahms (1833-1897)
Hungarian Dances Nos. 2 & 5
5) Carlos Gardell (1887-1935)
Por Una Cabeza (Tango)
6) Modest Mussorgsky (1839-1881)
Night on a Bald Mountain
7, 8) Encore (and I don't know what are the pieces)

All these pieces are familiar ones and so it is very enjoyable listening to them. I hoped that I have sat nearer the ochestra for the loudness and clarity and to better take in the music.

Monday
- Jap essay due
- Jap nai-ke quiz

Tuesday- CBC 211 Test

Wednesday- HS811Test

Thursday- Hand in full lab report

Friday- breather

Saturday- CBC 214 Test

Woke up today and saw my phone's clock is already 10.10am. I wanted to snooze awhile more before studying but I decided to get up within a few seconds. Went to wash up and packed ready to get out of the room. Then i realised the time is actually 8+am. Gosh... went for a leisurely breakfast and sitting in the library now, gonna study after this and get my lab report done.

Can't believe I have ordered Java Chip at Starbucks. It is something he likes to drink- and probably one of the reason was because it was (or is) 35.45's favourite drink. Really surprised me that I have ordered it. Perhaps I have gotten over the whole matter and moved on. But if to view it in a more passive way, I must have sank deeper.


Valentine's Day roses

I didn't jog today and it is worse seeing 35.45 jogs. Happens that 35.45 is in the same weight cat as me now... it's irritating too. If 39.10 expects me to be thinner then I must at least be lighter than 35.45. That's my metality.

Recently I have been hoping that 39.10 would tell me that he wants to spend the whole day with me on sunday. Yes vday is on saturday but then I think it would make me feel more secure if I see 39.10 on Sunday. Rational being that 35.45's birthday falls on Sunday, deep inside, I am afraid that 39.10 would want to celebrate her birthday. Last year was already hurting enough. I don't want a something similar to happen again. I didn't want to suggest vday celeb to be on Suunday because I want to be trusting towards 39.10, even if he claims he would be home the whole day, I would believe. Or would I? Before Sunday could even come, he told me today that he has to attend a friend's wedding this Sunday... which mad me doubtful. I totally detest a relationship where mistrust exist... so much that I feel like ending it sometimes. It is all these mistrusts and doubts that makes this relationship so untolerable.

I don't want my first vday being attached to be disappointing. I don't want to learn that the day after vday is a day of the relationship's destruction (it would be if 39.10 wants to celebrate 35.45's birthday - I'm that petty).

Seriously... I don't understand why recently the gossips I heard that isn't too pleasing to the ears always originate back to that gossip-monger. The things 58.71 said has caused some trouble for some.

I was pretty upset when i was told that 58.71 has made me one of her topics when she went overseas with a group of friends within our circle. (There were other things she did that wasn't very agreeable but it doesn't concern me directly and I shall not mention it in this entry.) Anyway, what was worse was that I heard that 58.71's source was one of my close friends. So I went to ask my close friend if he had told 58.71 about the things I had shared with him and had expected him to keep it to himself. So my close friend admitted that he did and he believed that 58.71 would not be the one spreading. I silently disagreed. I really treasured our friendship and that was the reason why I wanted to clarify and since he admitted and was apologetic, I wasn't too angry about it. However, somehow as appropriate as it may seem, it is a wrong move.

Little did I expect that my close friend actually went to ask 58.71 about that matter. 58.71 told him that she can guess who was the one that leaked about her broadcasting business to me. So that was what my close friend told me and I thought there's nothing much I can comment. Happily, I thought this merry-go-round would just stop there. Alas! What more exciting could have came up than having 58.71 complaining about the person who had leaked her and the person who had leaked her got reprimanded. And now it felt like my fault that I went to clarify matters with my close friend. I strongly felt that the sound wave should just stop and I shall not let it continue. So i decided to keep mum but unfortunately I finally exploded to my closefriend about the merry-go-round issue. Sadly, now I feel that I am no longer as close to that "close friend" anymore.

Today, yet again, I've got news that 58.71 leaked info about our teams to a friend from an outside club of mine. I really didn't want my outside friend to know just yet that I may be competing with him this time. I wanted to keep it a surprise or perhaps to let him know when I'm ready to do so. Now I don't have the chance, thanks to the spoiler!

Guess what is going through my head and making me upset recently is very unreasonable and immature. I hate the current me... so emo, always crying and feeling upset. Where did the happy-go-lucky went to?

Because of all this rubbish, I think people start to dislike me. And so I start to dislike them even more too. Think: am I being unfairly treated or is it that I only think I am unfairly treated and that's not the case.

Was 12's msn nick directed at me because she so happened to see my post yesterday. Or worse? It was directed at him because something I didn't know happened. If only I could stop being over-sensitive and forming scenarios out of nothing, think I will be happier.

I want to get back to that happy me!!! I always thought break-up would be the solution but then how can i tide through it?

Why does she deserve to be coached by you when she seems so reluctant to coach me? Why does she deserve to have you ask her down for
our trainings when she doesn't even bother holding any for me?

She seems like she doesn't want to help when I initiated and requested for
trainings. I really need to do something if I really want to compete. And who else closer can I look for to help other than you? Must I be the one to supress my emotions and force myself to concentrate. There really is no other way if I really want to train isn't it.

What justifies her to come to join us in trainings if she's disrupting me on top of not wanting to help? Why do you have to make things awkward and put me in a spot?

The more I find out, the more upset I get. Found one about one week ago, found another one today. The one i found last week wasn't so bad... the one i just found today sucks. Made me feel like puking. Even made me want to...

Think I haven't already come to a decision. I should just stop thinking about changing it already. There's enough unhappiness that comes ever so frequently for the last 7 months or more. It was a mistake right from the start. Of course I will feel sad afterwards but that's inevitable and will tide over. Better than the constant changes in my mood, suspicion and tears ever so often.

Hope everything goes according to plan and works out well.

Time to let go :)

Imagine

You are on a bicycle, and right in front you see a long flight of staircase. Everyone tells you "Don't ride down the stairs, you're gonna hurt yourself!" But right at the very moment it is just so tempting, so exciting.

Deep inside you know... if you ride down that staircase, you either prove something or you get hurt dooper badly.

I am riding down the staircase now... feeling the thrill but there is a part of me that still feels the tinge of fright and a little regret.

Does it mean that things are not turning out well when you start feeling scared and regret creeping up your very numb legs?



Normal Shelf Life: 2 weeks to 1 month
Emotion: Absolute disappointment. (But trying not to show)

I'm asking for too much?

Kisses dont
No they dont
Never dont lie
You can run if you want but you cant hide
Tellin you its the truth dont you ask why
Kisses dont
No they dont
Kisses dont lie

[Verse 1:]
Emotions come and go
Almost how the wind will blow
There so little in this world to trust in
Seduce themselves with lies
Some dont realize
They call it love but its really only lustin

[Refrain:]
So you see you and me
We're gettin close to the danger zone
Show me how tell me now
Should I stay or should i go
Cause I'm caught between yes and no

[Hook:]
Cause when you kiss me
I feel everything that I been missing
I try to slow down but my heart wont listen
And its tearin me all up inside
And when you touch me
I feel a rush but I'm afraid that it might crush me
Should I put my trust in somethin
I dont trust inI try to run but theres no place to hide
Cause baby kisses dont lie

Kisses dont
No they dont
Never dont lie
You can run if you want but you cant hide
Tellin you its the truth dont you ask why
Kisses dont
No they dont
Kisses dont lie

[Verse 2:]
You whisper in my ear
But are your words sincere
Cause pretty words can cut just like a knife
You see I'm nobody's fool
I play by my own rules
So please think twice before you step into my life

[Refrain:]
So you see you and me
We're gettin close to the danger zone
Show me how tell me now
Should I stay or should i go
Cause I'm caught between yes and no

[Hook x2][Refrain][Hook]

Oh, how 'bout a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation
Oooohhh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry(Please...)
Just cut it out
And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a showReally had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Oh oh oh
Grab your clothes and get gone
Ya better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' 'bout "Girl I love you, you're the one."
It just looks like a rerun(Please...)
What else is on?
And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Ooohh
And the award for the best lie goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech ooohh
How bout a round of applause?
Standing ovation
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now...

Yeah. So that's the end of my first year in uni... aint it fast? Gosh.

Looking for a job now that I have a 3 mth break. Probably relief teaching, tuition or as camp instructor? Those slack jobs will give me enough time to do my other stuff as well as earn some money, so I won't have to rely on my parents so much. Tell me if you know of any slack jobs like this ok.

So many other stuff I want to do. Joining Dash and Paddles,so there is a need for physical training... and my stamina is so gone!!! Learn some more hip hop maybe? National's Poomsae.. in need of training. Go to Perth to look for Mel... and dad said there is this $298 Quantas air-ticket. Woh, if I am going overseas alone, there so much to plan alone too...

When are my results coming out? When is it that I need to plan for Next Sem's timetable. So many dates to scribble on my calender.

Sparex is on 6th to 8th June. I cant wait! This is so exciting, but it is worrying too... can we get enough people to come? Or what if we get too many? Can we book enough hostel rooms? Will anything crop up?

Thinking quite a bit about my new unofficial position. Am I really up to it? Is it really what I expected and is it what I really want to do or if there's more than that?

Determination
Discipline
Drive
Desire

These 4 'D's got me through NTU Open '08 (IVP '08).
Thanks to Ojang team, Ojang AIs and my coach Celestine for encouragement and support.
Trainings daily for the past month have been tough physically, mentally and my school work took the plunge... but it has been fulfilling and rewarding. Although being Ojang's reserve (as I would have preferred) and me being idiotic during sparring, I still love my two gold medals, for they signify my endurance, hard work and effort.

Cheers.

Thanks to Vanessa Khong for sending me this poem. Much appreciated :)


When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,:
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.
Life is queer wit its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learns,
and many a fellow turns about when he might have won
had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
you may succeed with another blow
Sucess is failure turned inside out -
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be NEAR when it seems AFAR;
so STICK to the fight when you're HARDEST HIT -
it's when things seem worst, you must not quit.

Better That We Break - Maroon 5

I never knew perfection till, I heard you speak
And now it kills me just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible too
And everything's reminding me of you
What can I doIt's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break
A fool to let you slip away
I'd chase you just to hear you say
You're scared, and that you think that I'm insane
City looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there it disappears
It disappears
It's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in painIt's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break
Saw you sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold
But that's alright
Love these days is getting rough
It knocks you down, then beats you up
But its just a roller coaster anyway
It's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break

Hate That I Love You - Rihana feat. Neyo

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand ya
'Most everything you do
Make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for a while?

No, but you won't let me
You upset me, girl, and the you kiss my lips
All of a sudden, I forget that I was upset
Can't remember what you did

But, I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long, that's wrong

But, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss and fight no more
Said, I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it's not fair how you take advantage of the fact
That I love you beyong the reason why
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you, girl
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

One of these days, maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you probably always have the spell on me

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate how much I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
And I hate that I love you so, so

Don't know if this is even a good idea to be let my guard down a little more.

"Whatever it is, hope you will be honest with me k... no matter if the situation is that you really like someone else, or anything that I may feel upset after listening, I just want to hear it from you... cos I think maybe I am pretty protective of myself in the relationship aspect, so I want to let my guard down... and will just try my best to believe your side of the story."

It is the first week of Semester 2. Academic wise, it is not in full swing yet since certain lessons only starts on week 2. For me, I think time is needed for me to adjust to this no-time-for-slacking lifestyle. It has been quite busy for me that i constantly feel tired and in need of sleep. Think next week is not going to be any easier.

Monday 7th Jan
No lessons, slack at home

Tuesday 8th Jan
No lessons, slack at home
Training
O jang training

Wednesday 9th jan
Lessons starts
Training

Thursday 10th Jan
Lessons
O jang training

Friday 11th Jan
Lessons
Training

Saturday 12th Jan
O jang Training
Training at Kallang

Shucks... and I need to lose even more weight. Lost 2kg in a week. I guess I will put on some weight over the weekend for mummy is constantly feeding me and there's lots of temptation in the house. Mummy gets damn pissed off when there is left over food... and we will be left to tolerate her black face which is not as enormously irritating as her tantrums.

From The Sunday Times 13th Jan 2008

Signs that you're on the rebound
- If you have not worked through the issues of your last relationship and are still grieving over it.
- If your current relationship is very intense and one-dimensional, like it is based only on sex or physical needs.
- If the other person is an obvious mismatch - perhaps much older or younger.
- If you keep having to justify yourself why the new relationship is the right one.
- If the new relationship fizzles out too quickly and loses its shine.
- If you still find yourself pining for the person you lost.

Information provided by Dr Adrian Wang

So afraid that one of us is rebounding...

31st dec
- night cycling and count down with ODAC 22nd

1st Jan
- watch sunrise with ODAC 22nd
- dinner, movie and thrashing with Tigger

2nd Jan
- o jang 1st training

3rd Jan
- Ichiban with Ellise, Weng, Yuting
- tkd training

4th Jan
- tkd chalet

5th Jan
- o jang 2nd training
- watched Xin Yi's grading

6th Jan
- grading
- shop for daddy's belated birthday present

7th Jan
- just slack at home

Long ago, just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on just like the match you strike
To incinerate the lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight
Came a time
When every starfall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long and goodnight.
So long not goodnight.
Well if you carry on this way.
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend
To leave?
And then
We'll meet again.
When both our cars collide
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, not goodnight
Well if you carry on this way.
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight

I was waken up in the early morning with a stomach aches and I thought that probably I was just too nervous to go for blood dontion today. I opened my door and saw the lights were switched on. Nik's door was ajar and he was not inside. Dad's watching TV. The first thing that occured to me was "What's happening?" My clouded, half-asleep mind could not yet focus and the only thought was BATHROOM.

Well, Dad has got a bad stomach ache, so did Nik. Shucks, and I thought something must be wrong. Well apparently, I was not feeling all that bad which was lucky. Nik ate the most yesterday and he's suffering the most today. Hate the nauseating feeling and the come-and-go aches at the adomen.

I couldn't really control my laughter much this morning for I thought it was kinda funny to have mass food poisoning. Mum didn't get it for she did not really eat dinner yesterday as it wasn't to her taste. If I had persisted at stubbonly refusing dinner, I would not be having a problem today. Not to worry, we have since visited the doctor and she has not refered us to the hospital. It will get better.

So it boils down to no blood donation for me today. When all along I have been trying to run away and escape from it, giving my reasons and stating my fears, when I have finally thought that I may give it a shot (no pun intended)... still no affinity with donating blood.

I am restraining from giving you my explanations. If I give anymore reasons for not donating blood with you today, you probably would think that I am lying to run away from it. If you know me well enough, you would know that I refrain from lying and my lies are usually weak. Anyway, I am sick and your messages are not helping. Probably you intended for it to be teasing but you didn't realise it is hurting more than you expect. Otherwise, and I won't know for sure, you probably meant what you texted me today. And I don't know why I really care.

Dis-heartened.

How do you know whether you like or have fallen for someone, and not just reciprocating with kindness for the love the other party has given you? How should you act or react, in order not to be leading the other party on while sorting out your own feelings? Things are happening too quickly and my attention is captured in no time. I'm in a lost as to how I should respond; responding to "jia you" and "good luck" was easy; responding to "good morning", "good night" and "sweet dreams" is tricky and gets more and more difficult as time passes; responding to some others gets a bit tough that I had to skip and ignor them altogether. Lost and the only way out is by myself, before you say "Game Over".

Perhaps in the end, you are just sending out the wrong signals or I am interpreting them the wrong way.

Just ended MAS181 paper a few hours ago... Only can do about 60%. Probably means that I will score around there too. MAS 181 is one of the easier subjects I'm taking this sem. How?

Tomorrow having Forensic Science exam. Hope it will be better-to-the-power-of-infinity.

Irony: You're encouraging. You ask me not to get distracted. But the truth is that you are my greatest distraction at the moment.

Afraid to fall wrongly.

Do you know?
Do you know?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the
minute it ends suddenly
I can't get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things
it took to save us
I could fix the pain that
bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I'm standing on the edge
and I don't know what else
to give.

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
If you just don't talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
(Do you know)
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that's never ever happened to me.
(Do you know)
But after this episode I don't see,
you could never tell the next
thing life could be

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

Do you know?
Do you know?
Do you know?
Do you know?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock
on the door has changed
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
[ you don't how it feels ]
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away
[ you don't how it feels ]
Do you know what it feels like
[ you don't how it feels ]
to be the last one to know the lock
on the door has changed
[ you don't how it feels ]

Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

Create your own Friend Test here

Monday again and the whole routine starts. This week, I think I am feeling more refreshed. I believe it is due to the fact that I keep going home during the weekdays last week. I will be looking forward to this weekend, having a BBQ with my relatives and next monday onwards, I will only need to "book in" on tuesday.

Well, since last saturday, I will be having one or two exams per week up till 29th November. Disgusting but what to do? I didn't set it. Think I got to start studying soon. Don't even know what the lecture for CBC 113 is talking about. Upon reflection, I think I have been more attentive last week. Will have to keep up to that.

Need to do lab report before 12pm... -_-l'

I went for KB club training yesterday evening. There are more and more kids joining, as well as a few teenagers. Particularly impressed by this 17 year old Thai boy who does his kicks very well that I think it is up to NTU's standard... powerful, swift and with that snapping motion. Heard that he has already learnt up to black but now he is still a white-belter. Got to try to spar with him to improve... but then KB don't use padding and guards so naturally feel a bit unsafe. Yeah... that is how scary he sounds. Guess if I want to work towards being a champion, I have to spar with stronger, better people and learn from them.

I need to start exercising after missing a whole week of it. Feeling fat and unfit.

How shag is shag?

Feeling so restless over the past week. Today is monday and the whole routine starts again. I have three tutorials on hand now due this week and the ones for next week are already uploaded. Coming up on Saturday is Maths Mid Term and there are a few more mid terms coming up the following few weeks. And I still have yet to check the dates for them.

So you ask, why don't you do you tutorials over the weekend? My answer is that I miss home so much that I don't even want to look at my tutorials to start with. Rather talk non-stop to my family, disturb my brother who finished exams or sleep. Every week without fail, I will feel homesick by Wednesday. Seems like I am still adapting although it has been 10 weeks already.

Standard Chartered is coming in like less than 6 weeks and the furthest I covered was about 5.6km (14 rounds) and that is like about one quarter of the distance I will be trying in one and a half month's time.

But probably it is all these self-training that makes me so tired and fall asleep during lessons. Absolutely can't stand doing that but I can't help it. So how? More coffee? I am already trying to sleep before 0030Hr daily.

-_-l'

Physical pain only serves as a distraction from a deeper, more lethal sort of pain.

A new sensation... this time I think it hurts in a different way. I winced when the pain came. It came in short impulses. It didn't last and it doesn't show. But I start to think that it is more painful. Accidentally scarred... just a small mark. Probably it will go soon.

Warped.

T's Waltz by Akira Senju

Heard this song from the jap drama "Strawberry on the Shortcake" (a.k.a SOS). Really like the sad melody. Someone teach me how to play.

Ultimate Challenge 2007

Supposedly to be a 2 days-1night camp but the actual highlight of UC was the run which the group completed in 5hours 26 minutes. Oh yes, my group is called Hwarang(Click to find out what's that).

21st Sept
Training was as per normal and we celebrated Mid-Autumn Festival after training with mooncakes, sparklers and games.

22nd Sept
We did PT first thing in the morning and then carried on to breakfast. After breakfast we played some light games and continued to lunch and then watched a korean movie called "Spin Kick". Like the title suggests, it is a tkd movie.

After the movie, the UC run started. We were to put on sparring padding and helmet plus carry a handmitt with us. We ate bananas, did some warm up and stretching and soon the run begin. We jogged up to Nanyang house via the long flight of stairs we used for UC trainings and ran down the slope, went around SRC compound and reached our first station which I believe to be at the carpark where the professors live.

Station one included doing 30 push-up, sit-up, burpees at one lamp post, 20 of each at the next and 10 at the third. Part of my bao-bei shoes' sole came off and I was quite disturbed by it. After which, we continue to run all the way to NIE, running up another flight of stairs along the way. The first station was alreday tiring and I wondered how I was going to complete the run since my stamina is so lousy. That thought kept occuring to me.

Station two was a foot work station. We were required to complete a set of footwork along the stretch. Station 2 was also where we had our water point. I didn't dare drink too much water, being afraid that a stitch will work in. After the not very long water break, we continue to jog to ADM building for our third station.

Station three was a kicking station. We did 30 of each of the kicks on both legs. Short turning stomach level, short turning head level, long turning stomach level, long turning head level, short slamming, long slamming, slide in turning, side step turning. Thats what I can remember. In my opinion, that was the most tiring station. My mouth was really dry and I felt exhausted. Although station three is not a water point, I was really glad that we were given water to drink. Water indeed taste good at that time! Soon after, we carried on to jog up the slope at the edge of hall 2 all the way to LT1 near NY Audi. Totally felt like walking up the slope but we were reminded that if we walk, our friends behind us will suffer. I think that was some sort of motivation, to know that I am not the only one feeling tired.

Station four was a sparring session. I think that this was an interesting station. First we got into groups of 5 and 4 people will surround one person. The 4 will start to shout kicks and hold out handmitts and the centre person is suppose to perform the kick. That is really something new to me and I think it is a good way to train reaction. The second part, we were to do rotation sparring. During the course, I kicked a white belter, who may be taller but obviously appear thinner, she fell and slid along the tiles. Yes, I reflected and felt sorry. Even with padding on I think I should practise caution while sparring with a person new to sparring. Still feeling bad over it although she claimed that she was alright. Nevertheless, sparring was a tiring event. Just as good as sprinting 100m again and again. After the session we had our water break and there were water coolers around. Cold and nice water. Even so, I still went to the sink to drink due to the long queue. Kept telling myself to control my water intake... sip slowly. We continued on to station five running downslope this time to some open space car park near the cultural centre (not sure if that's the name).

When we reached station five, it was already dark. Station five is another kicking station. However this station coordinates our footwork and kicking techniques. The lot was split into two - kickers and holders. The holders were to form two spaced out lines, each row facing a different direction. From there the kickers will performed a series of kicks while running down the two rows. 3 sets each leg of low turning, 2 sets each leg of slamming and another 3 sets each side of low turning follwed by slamming whereby the holders will alternate themselves in the way they hold the handmitt. That's what I can remember in my half-drowsy state. Yes, I was half-drowsy by then. I took off my shoes and socks during the front part, afraid that my shoe will come off halfway, and that was a mistake. It caused me blisters on both my feet so I decided to put on my shoes for the rest of the kicks. By that time, I believe everyone was really exhausted. We were motivated by being asked "Who is this challenge for?" and I think we all answered "For myself!" Finishing that station and sharing among the lot, the little water we were given, we continue to jog or at least attempt at jogging upslope back to SRC area.

We reached the slope of Nanyang house and we were asked to sprint up the slope to complete the run for UC and reach the finale. Guess what the finale was? Haha. We are suppose to break planks. The sprint was terrible... I believe I didn't even sprint. My legs felt leaded already and I think the most I did was to run. Reached the top of the slope, I think I cannot even focus my sight already. Saw someone holding a plank. Did a long turning kick with my right. First kick and the plank broke. I was really proud of myslef. Perhaps to many it was no great feat but that was my first time trying to break a plank and I did it in my first attempt, one kick, the plank broke. I completed UC!!!

Maybe it didn't take as serious a toll on my body as when I joined Race Adventura when I had very bad muscle cramps. Probably I have learnt how to prepare my body better for a physically demanding activity. But I guess the difference is that, I think I truly felt motivated to carry on, to complete UC without saying "I want to give up" without giving up no matter how much it occured to me, no matter how tired I felt. UC - approx. 5.5km, average of 700 kicks - completed in about 5hr 26min.


"pa-ace!"

Goodbye My Lover -James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Happen to hear this over the radio and thougt the lyrics sounded nice. So there goes.

Ranting...

I was trying for main committee in tkd as a welfare assistant. I thought the interview went quite well and thought that I will have a chance. I was too complacent and totally gave up my chance to get into the main committee for Mountaineering Club. Thinking that if I so happen to get into the main comm for both, I would not be able to catch up with my academic work which I am already struggling with now, given my already poor 'A' Level grades.

In the end, I didn't get into the main committee for tkd. Though I have to agree that the girl who got the welfare assistant post deserves it, as she had been the vice president in her previous cca and she also has a really nice personality. The people selected in the main committee would have already been informed by sms. I didn't get an sms, so I already know I didn't get it. Yet, it came as a surprise as she was sitting beside and chatting with me when they announced the committee members. I didn't know she applied for it. However, thinking about it, I think her nice personality has shone through and hence she is deserving of that post.

So next year, I don't know if I will still be able to stay in hostel.

I think being selected into a main committee would reflect that your qualities are recognised. For I thought that I had commendable qualities being selected as prefect and in the main com back in secondary school, now I seriously have my doubts. Successfully being booted out of being selected into the main committee twice, and consecutively, my confidence is faltering... and faltering at a higer rate at this second time. I keep thinking that the fact lies not in my qualities not being recognised, but lies in that I have no quality. For the lost of faith in my confidence, I compare then and now, there is truth when I say, I am more afraid to stand out now, more afraid to voice my opinions. I don't want to turn into a silent mouse. I need a boot up in confidence... can someone help?

Hall 13 Orientation Camp (Group: Odin)

Realise it has been quite sometime since I blogged. I am pretty busy recently, plus there is a need to adapt to the new environment and lifestyle... I had my Hall 13 Orientation camp more than 2 weeks ago and I think it is an experience worth blogging... so here goes.

I only joined the Orientation camp on the 1st August although it started on the evening of the 29th of July. Ah!!! Hang on, before you jump into any conclusions about me wanting to wriggle myself out of those dirty games, you are wrong. My reason for being absent is that I had driving lessons and on the 31st July, I had my driving test. Yes!!! I was lucky enough to get an easy test route (no. 8) and I passed with 12 points deducted. HAPPY!!!

Ok back to Hall Camp. Basically, 1st August, we had this game called "Amazing Race". It was just as good as participating in Adventure racing except that it has less components. We were made to run/jog/walk from NTU all the way to some chalet at East Coast, only taking two short bus rides in the whole journey. Played games at those stations. I think the most memorable part of this whole game is during the last part. We had to run from Paya Lebar to that chalet ok! we saw the team behind us caught up with us at our last station at Paya Lebar... so we decided to run. My group was really cute in the sense that they made one of of group mates who couldn't catch up sit in this supermarket trolley they took from somewhere and pushed her all the way to the chalet. Along the way, they went like "Gear 1, ok, change to Gear 2, 3, 4..." I thought that was really funny and nice of them.

Yeah... as my dear friends would know how lousy my stamina is and how I am not really dependent on power gel (Okok... I would say I need those for adventure races!!!), I got calf cramp. It was really irritating because we were already at East Coast Park when the cramp worked in. So towards the end, I only kind of jog/walk. Totally hate it. Anyway, there was this nice "AhBeng" who is our group umpire, accompanied me on the last bit. We talked a bit of crap about marathons and stuff. He was really nice and decided to cheat a little by stopping the timing a little earlier. Saw him smoking and heard he drinks a lot, plus that dragon tattoo on his calf... doesn't make him look like any goody-two-shoes, yet I think he's really nice. Touched. :)

So the conclusion of the race is that we came is as one of the top two teams and are actually allowed to sleep in the chalets... but somehow our group was caught using maps so in the end, with the penalty, we were made to sleep in tents. I don't know about the rest, but it is not a big deal of a penalty to me... if you ask me, I would rather sleep in a spacious tent, overlooking the sea than to cramp in a chalet, sleeping in uncomfortable positions.

The next day, we played 食字路口. Again, we went all over Singapore to try food. This time it wasn't that tough because we get to take trains around. That night, we had our fright night. They drove us in a lorry to this deserted HDB estate near Lim Chu Kang area. It used to be 3-story HDB flats surrounding a market place. There was no electricity supply, the windows were removed and there were big holes around 1mx1m connecting the apartments. We were made to walk in pairs across each level of the HDB flat and enter the rooms to gather clues. The seniors tried to frighten us. I believe I had enough of IJ Fiesta back in secondary school days to stop me from screaming. There was a point in which we were sitting at a table to obtain a clue and when the game master shouted at us to go, and we started to leave, there were hands grabing at our ankles from the bottom of the table. My partner jumped out from his seat, making the seniors laugh. Another funny part was that my partner went down to the second floor thinking we still have to search for clues, we mistakenly entered this room where other freshies are still playing. we felt quite embarrassed to spoil their station. That was the fright night. The location was enough to raise some goosebumps but I think any IJ girl who went for Fiesta games will just be as calm as I am, knowing that the seniors are just trying to frighten us.

I did not join my group to Sentosa on Friday as I wanted to attend some talks. That "AhBeng" was trying to persuade me to go. Apparently I heard that he was the vice-president of the Hall Camp... :) Anyway, comes Friday night in which I had the most horrifying experience in Hall Camp. Friday night was Initiation Night. The name doesn't suggest anything. When I first heard it, I was like "What the crap is initiation nigh?" and the answers were either "I don't know" from the freshies or "You will find out" from the seniors.

Ok, so it turned out this way, we were suppose to be blind-folded and play station by station. First station, they told us that we have to crawl through this shit tunnel. I think it turned out to feel like I am just doing leopard-crawls across smelly and dirty canvas sheets. Next we went on to walk around and suddenly someone just said "Fold you arms across your chest"(the person was standing quite close I believe, and his breath smelled like a smoker's... I was trying to withdraw my face away), suddenly, someone pushed me and I just fell back. There were people below that caugh me.

Next is the most disgusting station and until now, I can still feel my skin crawl. We were suppose to touch something and guess what it is. There were meal worms, snails, millipedes, spiders, crab and FROG. Damn it!!! I was alright with the meal worm and was playing with them on my hands, they carried on to put them on my neck. It's ok, so long as it does not fall into my shirt. I heard one of my friend went to grab a handful and got extremely freaked out when the worms start wriggling around. The snail was actually VERY slow. Even when I touched it's slimey body, it did not retract. The crab stinks and I don't have much comment on the other creatures except FROG! DAMN IT!!! At that instant, I screamed, felt like puking, fainting, crying... but nothing like that happened. I just couldn't stop complaining and wiping my hands on the ground, on railings whatever after I touched the frog. I think I can still imagine it on my hand... (flicks my left hand).

Other stations include, guessing songs, digging into toilet bowl with things in it, pretending we were drinking another group's saliva when it was only flour water, sliding down a very long and steep slope, carrying our group leader and dashing up a few flight of stairs with a lit candle trying to prevent it from extinguishing while people hose us down. I think it was really fun, except for the damn frog.

On the last day, there wasn't much that happened except that we had a group outing and then we went to Home club. It was booked by my Hall and we had the secret pal night. I don't have an actual secret pal and so I was assigned one. Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?) my secret pal is a pageant... so we kind of got sabo-ed quite a bit. The forfeit was super embarrassing. The emcee gave us a Tequilla shot and after dabbing salt and lemon from the drink on his neck, I am suppose to lick the salt and drink the shot in one gulp. What an outrageous thing to do. *FAINTED* Clubbed a little more (my first time clubbing). We were dancing halfway, then a group of guys including that AhBeng VP started to try stripping one another. They got their shirts stripped off and thrown around. My goodness. But the most was only a belt. Some of my group mates decided to continue clubbing at Zouk while the super tired me took a cab home alone.

That's my Hall Orientation Camp.
Perhaps will upload pictures soon.

I am like typing this in my hostel room... so I think anyone can infer that I actually moved in to my hostel already. The bed in small and the study desk is big. Alright, maybe the desk is not as big compared to Yuting's hostel's.

What I still lack in my room is a cushion for my chair. And I am already eyeing one... Yeah... I believe some people can already guess. The cushion I am eyeing is the blue squid one sold at MiniToons. Apparently, there is only pink available. So I am waitin for the blue one to come in. But maybe I will buy both pink and blue. Perhaps I will also need to bring a larger mug here.

I signed up for standard chartered marathon yesterday. This year, I will be trying for the 21.1km run. I think it is a big challenge for me and just reminding myself of it will spur me to exercise. Otherwise, I think I will just gain even more weight without PE lessons now.

I miss AJ ODAC trainings. Since uni lessons will be starting next week, I believe chances of going back to train with the juniors will be lesser. It is a shame that I still cannot remember all my juniors by name until now. Perhaps, I will after the next expedition that I go with them.

Hmmz, just had my second grading yesterday. Mum drove and dropped me off at Toa Payoh Sports Hall. Thanks a lot... really appreciate it. I believe it must have been due to my childish grumbles over the pass few weeks. Too childish to mention here and embarrass myself. But sure enough, I am not very pleased with my own attitude.

I was walking towards the entrance when I saw the Pri 2 girl cry. I asked her why she was crying and she shook her head, in the end she relented and told me that she can't find her dad. I had to cheer her up by saying that there is no parking space so her dad has to go around looking for one so may take some time. In the end, she broke into a smile when we spotted her dad. She said her dad wears a red shirt... there was a whole bunch of people wearing red shirt for identification purposes! Haha. Anyway, it made me reflect on how when I was a child, I would also feel really insecure when my parents are not in sight.

As for my grading, I was really nervous and I think i was shaking all over. I think my side kicks still looked funny. My peers said I did well, yet I wasn't totally relieved by their comments. Anyway, Drina obtained a junior black belt. Drina's brother failed and Sylvia nearly did as well. As for me, I obtained a Double. That means I skipped a level (skipped yellow belt) and now I moved from 9th Geup (yellow tip) to 7th Geup(green tip). Definitely I feel happy but then, I don't know why the sense of happiness is only so mild. Perhaps, I was more concerned over the other's reactions, since I am the only one from the club who got a Double. And the brown belts have to claim that this is the first in their whole time in the club. I know that Joelle really wanted a double very badly, Drina's brother failed and Sylvia was embarrassed by the kids because they kept pointing at her and saying "You're the failure" before Wong-sir announced the results. Hence, I was in an embarrassing situation. I think it is only polite to appear neutral and not overjoyed by the news. Yet, until now, I can't whoop in joy.

I don't know why... I am feeling down now... for no apparent reason.

It's Not Suppose to feel this way...

How come it feels like I am doing something wrong? How come there is a feeling of guilt? How come I feel afraid? How come I feel timid? How come I feel like I shouldn't be "feeling" that way...

こうして　むずかしいですか？

Then why am I feeling this way?

"The truth always whispers in the ear of the deceiver."
-Paul Graves

I just got home from the hairdresser! Yeah... I highlighted 3 strands of reddish copper and 3 strands of greenish-blue. He started out by bleaching 3 strands for the blue, put me under the steaming machine for some time and then washed my hair. I have mistaken that after bleaching, my hair will turn white, instead, it turned out to be a shade of light blond. After which he highlighted the blue and the copper. Steam and Wash again. After blowing dry, we realised that the blue did not get in the hair. It was greenish blond in colour. I think I must have looked like a sick peacock! Despite that I think the copper turned out pretty well. It is a different shade from the copper I got last time. This time it is more reddish than gold. Anyway, so he re-did the blue. After half an hour, wash again. Blow dry and the result this time is greenish blue colour. I was sitting at the shop for nearly three hours so decided that I won’t insist on getting that shade of blue I want. Now the colours are like Fe3+, Cu2+, Fe2+ add to sodium hydroxide...Haha... I am quite ok with it.

I must have broken my own record today by having my hair washed 4 times! I washed them once in the morning and 3 times at the hairdresser's.

I went out to eat dinner with my parents yesterday and met Changtai and Cheeyong at AMK HUB. They ended up eating dinner with my family at Ichiban Sushi. I must agree that it has been a dooper long time since I last saw them both. It must have been at least a month or more. Apparently I think Changtai was too happy to see me that he tried to give me a friendly hug... I have to dodge ridiculously away from his spread-eagle arms because my mum was eye-ing my direction when I tolsd her I would go talk to my friends. After I explained to Changtai, he was apologetic but still joked that my mum will keep pestering me about "Who is that guy?" *Fainted* I’m glad that his sense of humour is still there. And for that, I missed him and the Odac times when I would see him almost everyday of the week.

So after the two of them left, my dad decided to order some sake. I drank a few cups of sake too. The sensation of downing a cup is like an exothermic reaction! Hot! However I believe the alcohol content to be very little. My face didn't even turn a shade of pink, not to even mention getting drunk.

I have decided to highlight my hair blue. Yes BLUE, you have not read it wrongly. I have asked my hairdresser to order blue dye already so there is no turning back. He will be bleaching it first before highlighting which means that my hair will be bleahced white, then highlighted blue. And this also implies that it will become pretty dry. I am like more worried about the blue hairs fading to become white hairs next time and if I can still swim as often after I become a "blue-head". So to keep it to minimum damage, I decided to highlight instead of dying my whole head blue.

I believe you must find this action of mine pretty bazaar/ havoc/ crazy but you see... when we were in school, we were not allowed to dye our hair. Being the "kiah-si" me, I have to abide by the rules. In the future when we are working, do you think the society is libearal enough to hire "blue-hair" workers? Or whether the boss will be pleased by the "blue-hair" apearance, especially so if you are working in the frontline (maybe sales manager or people who meet clients or even professionals who have to make speeches in front of many people). So I believe this is the time and further more, my parents have no complaints.

I was wondering if I should highlight my hair
1) blue AND copper (new copper highlights)
2) just blue only, keeping my old copper highlights.
Also whether I should HIGHLIGHT blue for
1) The fringe part only
2) the whole head

Hope to hear some opinions from my friends before getting the highlights end of this week. So if anyone who would be interested to be the first few to view my new hair colour, please meet soon! :)

"Cancer" by My Chemical Romance

A very touching song from "The Black Parade". The song reflected how frightening and saddening cancer can be. I have included the lyrics and a music video I got from youtube. Enjoy and treasure life.






Turn Away
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favourite colours
My sisters and my brothers still
I will not kiss you
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
Now turn away
'Cause I'm awful just to see
My hairs abandoned all my body
Oh my agony
Know that I will never marry
Baby I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say
Goodbye today
I'd ask you to be true
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you

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