Thursday, March 31, 2005
Words spread fast... Recently I told some seniors that I MAY be changing CCA. As in I think maybe I will leave track and field. Why are there people that I didn't tell, asking me why am I leaving track and trying to ask me to stay. I haven't even comfirm it. So now it is like because of my ego..in case people think I am using leaving as a gimmick for others to ask me to stay... I think there is a high chance that I am not staying.
Why am I thinking of quitting... because I don't feel that I belong in track and field... I don't feel at home. I feel left out at times, out of place.
I counted how many people I will miss or at least I feel that I can talk to in field (without thinking to hard about what to say). It came down to 8. The rest, I find it very difficult to hold a conversation with them... just nothing to talk about really. Out of this 8 people, 2 are girls. One of them is a jumper and so hardly get to talk to her. The other one is my shot put senior who has another CCA and hardly see her during trainings. Also, out of this 8 people, only one person is a J1. That's for the stats. My goodness!
Sometimes when there is pair work to be done like e.g. medson ball and intense stretching, when there are odd number of girls, I will find myself being left out. It is not like I did not take the initiative to ask for a partner! I asked and sometimes I get horrible response like "Wait, i see if she wants to pair with me or not first." That hurts! I don't think this ever happened to me before in IJRCY. Am I that dull a person that no girl is willing to pair with me? I don't feel so. Then at times during gym, I just ignor the whole point that we are suppose to do our sets with our pairs. When I finished my sets I end up stoning somewhere waiting for the rest. At times when the other girls finished, they will sit around and chat. I seriously don't find their small chat interesting and thus I don't contribute to their conversation and may just fall asleep or sit down to stone. Besides, even if I try to contribute, they don't seem to hear me anyway.
And right from the start, I think track and field, you don't need to think too much. It is just physical. My mindset is still not changed after 4months. Yeah, perhaps it is because I started out in the team earlier than the J1s so I am closer to the J2s naturally. But of course, not very close to them either. Oh yes, all the throwers we have now are experienced, but I am not. Most of them are arts students so we attend different lectures, have different tutors coaching us and so can't talk much about common school stuff. I am not discriminating them of course but I feel that whenever they talk about this tutor or something, I can't relate to them. So there goes another point of difference.
Track and Field trains 3 times officially each week. Time consuming right? One of the most time conduming CCA in AJ. How to concentrate on studies? When I reach home, I am dead beat.
Currently in a dilema whether to stay on. I told my favourite senior in field ( shot putter too) that I may be quitting... he was trying to influence me ( again) to stay. He even went to the extent to say he will miss me. LOL. He is like my closest friend in T&F. Ah no special relationship! Seriously no, he is just my good friend.
Also, I heard that there are not many people who join track and field during the CCA Carnival and that there are no female who signed up as throwers(wonder if that is reliable). Am I suppose to feel oblidged to stay?
However, what will I join if I change CCA? I signed up for soccer and ODAC during CCA carnival. Meaning that I have to make new friends again. That's not really a problem for me. For those who really know me... I am friendly right? Not the quiet and shy type I think.
Meanwhile I still got to go for competition this Saturday at Bukit Gombat stadium... my goodness... I don't even think I can qualify! I really hope my rc mates will be there to support me! But seriously that is too much to ask for lah. I just miss them so much. They give the best support...something which I don't feel in T&F...
I'm like so confused and upset over CCA now....
Why am I thinking of quitting... because I don't feel that I belong in track and field... I don't feel at home. I feel left out at times, out of place.
I counted how many people I will miss or at least I feel that I can talk to in field (without thinking to hard about what to say). It came down to 8. The rest, I find it very difficult to hold a conversation with them... just nothing to talk about really. Out of this 8 people, 2 are girls. One of them is a jumper and so hardly get to talk to her. The other one is my shot put senior who has another CCA and hardly see her during trainings. Also, out of this 8 people, only one person is a J1. That's for the stats. My goodness!
Sometimes when there is pair work to be done like e.g. medson ball and intense stretching, when there are odd number of girls, I will find myself being left out. It is not like I did not take the initiative to ask for a partner! I asked and sometimes I get horrible response like "Wait, i see if she wants to pair with me or not first." That hurts! I don't think this ever happened to me before in IJRCY. Am I that dull a person that no girl is willing to pair with me? I don't feel so. Then at times during gym, I just ignor the whole point that we are suppose to do our sets with our pairs. When I finished my sets I end up stoning somewhere waiting for the rest. At times when the other girls finished, they will sit around and chat. I seriously don't find their small chat interesting and thus I don't contribute to their conversation and may just fall asleep or sit down to stone. Besides, even if I try to contribute, they don't seem to hear me anyway.
And right from the start, I think track and field, you don't need to think too much. It is just physical. My mindset is still not changed after 4months. Yeah, perhaps it is because I started out in the team earlier than the J1s so I am closer to the J2s naturally. But of course, not very close to them either. Oh yes, all the throwers we have now are experienced, but I am not. Most of them are arts students so we attend different lectures, have different tutors coaching us and so can't talk much about common school stuff. I am not discriminating them of course but I feel that whenever they talk about this tutor or something, I can't relate to them. So there goes another point of difference.
Track and Field trains 3 times officially each week. Time consuming right? One of the most time conduming CCA in AJ. How to concentrate on studies? When I reach home, I am dead beat.
Currently in a dilema whether to stay on. I told my favourite senior in field ( shot putter too) that I may be quitting... he was trying to influence me ( again) to stay. He even went to the extent to say he will miss me. LOL. He is like my closest friend in T&F. Ah no special relationship! Seriously no, he is just my good friend.
Also, I heard that there are not many people who join track and field during the CCA Carnival and that there are no female who signed up as throwers(wonder if that is reliable). Am I suppose to feel oblidged to stay?
However, what will I join if I change CCA? I signed up for soccer and ODAC during CCA carnival. Meaning that I have to make new friends again. That's not really a problem for me. For those who really know me... I am friendly right? Not the quiet and shy type I think.
Meanwhile I still got to go for competition this Saturday at Bukit Gombat stadium... my goodness... I don't even think I can qualify! I really hope my rc mates will be there to support me! But seriously that is too much to ask for lah. I just miss them so much. They give the best support...something which I don't feel in T&F...
I'm like so confused and upset over CCA now....
what we could have been, 8:46 PM.
