Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Chua asked why I did not sign up for half marathon this year. And I hesitated as to what I should tell him. Then I said "I thought nobody running half, so I signed up for 10km." Basically, I think I half-lied.
I really wanted to run the half. And I thought that since ODACians have agreed on signing up for the 10km then I should just go with the majority. Making it perhaps another ODAC event. It was a dissapointment to hear Hazel telling me today that the rest are thinking of signing up for the half marathon. And I thought we have agreed earlier on. I was trying to hide that disspointment and that little bit of frustration mixed with a pinch of anger. First phrase that came to mind was "pang-seh". Didn't take into consideration how I will have felt probably. Especially I have told them not only once that I have signed up for 10km. It wasn't like I didn't ask them time and again before signing up what they really want. feeling hurt now.
Luckily Myra already signed up for 10km. If no one signs up for 10km after all the talk before I signed up then it will be extremely dissapointing and I would feel like it didn't matter whether I existed in the batch. If that was to happen, I would probably burst out in tears over my regret for not signing for half marathon, Chua hounding me and perhaps my "non-existance" in a CCA that I thought I enjoyed. I'm probably too concerned over whether I am being thought for, un-cherished. :(
Didn't feel like my friendship has been appreciated.
Didn't feel like I mattered.
Perhaps it didn't matter whether I felt like I mattered.
Hmm, just don't feel good.
Dissapointment grows more each day.
Doesn't feel like I have more to say.
"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan
I really wanted to run the half. And I thought that since ODACians have agreed on signing up for the 10km then I should just go with the majority. Making it perhaps another ODAC event. It was a dissapointment to hear Hazel telling me today that the rest are thinking of signing up for the half marathon. And I thought we have agreed earlier on. I was trying to hide that disspointment and that little bit of frustration mixed with a pinch of anger. First phrase that came to mind was "pang-seh". Didn't take into consideration how I will have felt probably. Especially I have told them not only once that I have signed up for 10km. It wasn't like I didn't ask them time and again before signing up what they really want. feeling hurt now.
Luckily Myra already signed up for 10km. If no one signs up for 10km after all the talk before I signed up then it will be extremely dissapointing and I would feel like it didn't matter whether I existed in the batch. If that was to happen, I would probably burst out in tears over my regret for not signing for half marathon, Chua hounding me and perhaps my "non-existance" in a CCA that I thought I enjoyed. I'm probably too concerned over whether I am being thought for, un-cherished. :(
Didn't feel like my friendship has been appreciated.
Didn't feel like I mattered.
Perhaps it didn't matter whether I felt like I mattered.
Hmm, just don't feel good.
Dissapointment grows more each day.
Doesn't feel like I have more to say.
"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan
what we could have been, 10:44 PM.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I don't want to compare and I don't like to anyway. I guess it has been a long time since I sincerely want to know how much somebody got for their exams and see whether they have beaten me. I simply am more concern over my own grades now. even if I ask people about their grades, it was just like asking for the sake of asking. Can't be bothered to take it to heart. And I guess I have become happier.
Well, recently I got pretty worried when I was doing paper 3 of Nov 2004 for physics and got a shock after seeing the number of circles I have accumulated on the question numbers. Those are the questions that I can't answer. And for a moment, I thought that I have revised my physics. I am quite loss as to what to do next. Do more papers, or revise again. I feel as if those things I have revised has gone down the gutter. Time was lost unknowingly with these revisions which wasn't 100% efficient. Scary.
Then I look at my friends and I see them doing so much more than me. And we all have 24hrs a day and they live further from school than me. they seem to be able to do those questions I could not. And what are these implications? It is freaking me out and I am feeling very de-moralised again.
I should be reminding myself not to neglate chemistry and maths while doing all these mugging for physics. To me, physics seems easier to do and I can cover more in the same time frame as compared to when I do maths or chemistry. It gives me this sense of achievement. I guess I really need more practise for maths and chemistry but most of the time I will get stuck and then I will be wasting a lot of time. It is somehow unpleasant to see questions in which you are unable to complete and that hinders you from trying further and doing more or even to the extent of working on that subject the next time.
Well, I don't mean to compare with my classmates now, in terms of who study more. It simply upsets me and gives me no positive outcome by comparing our studying progress in which there are many factors which differs. I can only urge myself not to unawaringly have thoughts of " How come X can cover so much, revise so much in such a short time while I can only do so much." Irritating thoughts.
"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan
Well, recently I got pretty worried when I was doing paper 3 of Nov 2004 for physics and got a shock after seeing the number of circles I have accumulated on the question numbers. Those are the questions that I can't answer. And for a moment, I thought that I have revised my physics. I am quite loss as to what to do next. Do more papers, or revise again. I feel as if those things I have revised has gone down the gutter. Time was lost unknowingly with these revisions which wasn't 100% efficient. Scary.
Then I look at my friends and I see them doing so much more than me. And we all have 24hrs a day and they live further from school than me. they seem to be able to do those questions I could not. And what are these implications? It is freaking me out and I am feeling very de-moralised again.
I should be reminding myself not to neglate chemistry and maths while doing all these mugging for physics. To me, physics seems easier to do and I can cover more in the same time frame as compared to when I do maths or chemistry. It gives me this sense of achievement. I guess I really need more practise for maths and chemistry but most of the time I will get stuck and then I will be wasting a lot of time. It is somehow unpleasant to see questions in which you are unable to complete and that hinders you from trying further and doing more or even to the extent of working on that subject the next time.
Well, I don't mean to compare with my classmates now, in terms of who study more. It simply upsets me and gives me no positive outcome by comparing our studying progress in which there are many factors which differs. I can only urge myself not to unawaringly have thoughts of " How come X can cover so much, revise so much in such a short time while I can only do so much." Irritating thoughts.
"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan
what we could have been, 11:55 PM.
Friday, August 25, 2006
argh... irritated
I thought I got out of the sticky mess, but looks like there is still a bit of stickiness I need to manage here.
I really don't want to care about this anymore. I just can't. Sometimes I don't think it is worth it. If you can't treasure what you already have and cause yourself so much misery over something you have lost and I doubt you can ever get it back, in what way more can I still help you. Open your eyes big and you will see. There are so many people around you who cares so much about you. And sometimes I just feel that you just take them as if they were the pillars you pass by. I feel like I am one of the pillars too. I don't know but I get this feeling that when you look for me and hang out with me, it is not your true intention. I can't be there for you to cry on all the time. You have got to learn and stand on your own feet. Whatever, say I don't understand. I just can't help you anymore... that is the limit where I will go. Sorry. I still regard you as a friend but then, I kind of feel that I am taken for granted here.
As for the other you, team-mate, I hope that it will not affect your A's and as well as mine. I still remember your friendship, no matter what. But for your good,perhaps mine too, I think I will have to 'siam' you as well. Sorry for that. Perhaps in that way, she won't have the excuse to come near you. If you know what I mean. Hopefully you will understand. Thanks for all those times you encouraged me and made me perservere to complete the race or the climb. I didn't want our friendship to turn out this way too. At the moment, I just can't think of anything better.
I guess this must have sounded really selfish. But what can I do. I don't want myself to suffer over something that does not even concern me in the first place. I wanted to be a pillar of hope at the start but I came to realise that there is only so much I can do. I have been there for you and I think it is time I have to help myself and devote more time for myself to reach my own goals. Hope you can understand and just let me be.
I will not let anything stop me, for I now have already set my goal, and it is time for me to get there.
Glad for me? No longer drifting aimlessly. I have found some direction in life and am working towards it.
I thought I got out of the sticky mess, but looks like there is still a bit of stickiness I need to manage here.
I really don't want to care about this anymore. I just can't. Sometimes I don't think it is worth it. If you can't treasure what you already have and cause yourself so much misery over something you have lost and I doubt you can ever get it back, in what way more can I still help you. Open your eyes big and you will see. There are so many people around you who cares so much about you. And sometimes I just feel that you just take them as if they were the pillars you pass by. I feel like I am one of the pillars too. I don't know but I get this feeling that when you look for me and hang out with me, it is not your true intention. I can't be there for you to cry on all the time. You have got to learn and stand on your own feet. Whatever, say I don't understand. I just can't help you anymore... that is the limit where I will go. Sorry. I still regard you as a friend but then, I kind of feel that I am taken for granted here.
As for the other you, team-mate, I hope that it will not affect your A's and as well as mine. I still remember your friendship, no matter what. But for your good,perhaps mine too, I think I will have to 'siam' you as well. Sorry for that. Perhaps in that way, she won't have the excuse to come near you. If you know what I mean. Hopefully you will understand. Thanks for all those times you encouraged me and made me perservere to complete the race or the climb. I didn't want our friendship to turn out this way too. At the moment, I just can't think of anything better.
I guess this must have sounded really selfish. But what can I do. I don't want myself to suffer over something that does not even concern me in the first place. I wanted to be a pillar of hope at the start but I came to realise that there is only so much I can do. I have been there for you and I think it is time I have to help myself and devote more time for myself to reach my own goals. Hope you can understand and just let me be.
I will not let anything stop me, for I now have already set my goal, and it is time for me to get there.
Glad for me? No longer drifting aimlessly. I have found some direction in life and am working towards it.
what we could have been, 12:11 AM.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Missing this
and this...
Maybe I am just missing a temporary facade.
Recently, I kind of feel I am no longer close to 22nd batch. Was that the case all along? In IJRCY, I don't mind going through the same things again, so long as I am with my batch. As for ODAC, I feel I can go through the same things again, no matter who the people are. What does that conclude? I like the people more than the activities in IJRCY and I like the activities more in ODAC? Would Mr Lim be dissapointed to hear this. Afterall, this is not the outcome he wants, I guess.
When I am feeling low... who will be there? Who will I turn to?
Who am I close to? Who is close to me?
When there are too many things troubling me, and I don't want to just let go. There were times I feel like I was left alone to handle all this. And then, I thought, it was just me who didn't want to ask for help. I refuse to let anyone help. I am reluctant to let anyone know. Maybe I would rather hurt myself than to hurt my pride.
The more I let you know my weakness, the closer I am to you. So who is my closest?
Tiding through.
what we could have been, 4:43 PM.
