Thursday, April 26, 2007
“Sorry” is a difficult word to say. But I just the real difficulty lies in saying it with true pure sincerity. I guess most of the time people say “sorry” to ease themselves from guilt and to make themselves feel better. It is more like saying it for themselves and not for the second party. Of course, this happens unconsciously mostly.
Sometimes I think the on we should say “sorry” TO is ourselves, followed by our immediate families. We sometimes hurt or harm ourselves with or without knowing. The common ones like the use harmful substances, otherwise depriving ourselves of food or over-working our body. It hurts our health and are we in the right to be doing such? So not only are we sorry to our own self but also our parents and people who took pains to bring us up.
Yet, on the other hand, I guess the one we are always truly sorry ABOUT is again ourselves. Self-pity was one emotion I strongly didn’t believe I possessed 2years ago. To think about it now, perhaps it has been there all the time. The thought of ‘I am always the victim’ never ceased to fill my thoughts without me knowing it, whenever I feel bitter, sad, angry, jealous or even disappointed. It is one emotion that will cause negative characters such as being selfish, un-caring and un-thoughtful. But of course, are we constantly aware of its existence?
No offence to anyone, I am just typing this entry to remind myself to say “sorry” with sincerity to the party I have hurt and not to lessen the burden of my own guilt and fall into self-pity. I would have to lay down my own ego and say it from my heart without any tinge self-pity involved.
For now, to whom do I sincerely feel sorry towards?
Sometimes I think the on we should say “sorry” TO is ourselves, followed by our immediate families. We sometimes hurt or harm ourselves with or without knowing. The common ones like the use harmful substances, otherwise depriving ourselves of food or over-working our body. It hurts our health and are we in the right to be doing such? So not only are we sorry to our own self but also our parents and people who took pains to bring us up.
Yet, on the other hand, I guess the one we are always truly sorry ABOUT is again ourselves. Self-pity was one emotion I strongly didn’t believe I possessed 2years ago. To think about it now, perhaps it has been there all the time. The thought of ‘I am always the victim’ never ceased to fill my thoughts without me knowing it, whenever I feel bitter, sad, angry, jealous or even disappointed. It is one emotion that will cause negative characters such as being selfish, un-caring and un-thoughtful. But of course, are we constantly aware of its existence?
No offence to anyone, I am just typing this entry to remind myself to say “sorry” with sincerity to the party I have hurt and not to lessen the burden of my own guilt and fall into self-pity. I would have to lay down my own ego and say it from my heart without any tinge self-pity involved.
For now, to whom do I sincerely feel sorry towards?
what we could have been, 11:09 AM.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
My first sparring was done with Joelle who is 1 Geup higher than me. Wong-sir said I was panicky. Joelle commented that my aiming was bad because I kicked at her neck in which I think may be a foul. Well, Wong-sir said no hitting face and no hitting under the belt. She also claimed that I caused a bruise on her shin. Anyway, I lost this sparring because I fell when Joelle pushed me while blocking. Joelle also said that I was kicking very hard but the fact is that I was controlling my strength in case I hurt her. I realized my ankle was swollen when I got home. I must have felt really stressed up by my first sparring as I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of the sparring. Should I have used strength? What if I hurt my opponent? After all they are so much younger than me.
My second sparring was done with Jing Wei who is 3 Geup higher. I appreciate the fact that she corrects me and give me tips when I was executing my patterns during the previous lessons. As I understand that she is a tough person, this sparring was more relax. At least I know she will be able to block my bows adequately and is able to take it if I manage to hit her. Wong-sir said I should not move around so much but just stand steady and wait for my opponent to come and when the opponent comes, I attack. At the start of the sparring, I tried a turning kick, Jing Wei dodged and I lost my balance and fell flat on the ground which caused a bruise on my knee. It was quite a funny sight. Then I got up and continued. I managed to execute blocks this time, which was an improvement. I also kicked her left arm with a loud thud and it was scary so I apologized immediately. Then some “senior” shouted “Don’t say sorry!”
I didn’t volunteer for my third sparring session. Wong-sir picked me and Sylvia to be the first pair to spar. Wong-sir said this time I am less panicky this time. He corrected my blocks and asked me to keep my fist clenched during a block. Sylvia also said I caused a bruise on her shin. No injuries on me this time.
There is this “senior” that comes occasionally. I don’t know how old is he and I don’t exactly know his rank. He is at least a 2nd Geup. During my first few lessons, Joelle said that this senior doesn’t know his stuff too well but still likes to correct people. From what I heard, my impression of him was that he is some stuck up person. Apparently, last Sunday’s training while we were practicing kicks, he came and gave a lot of guidance and corrected our kicks. Although some people may think that he should not be telling us what to do, I really didn’t mind him asking me to do my kicks again and correcting me. At least I know how to do them properly while Wong-sir is busy. Then during break, he was teaching Jing Wei and I how to do the jump kick which is of quite an advance level. Wong-sir came to say that we want to learn how to run before learning how to walk. The senior told Wong-sir that we are doing the kicks better than the other higher rank people. I don’t know for sure if my kicks were really that good. The people he was referring too were showing him attitudes when he was correcting them. So there is a possibility that he is getting back at them.
My second sparring was done with Jing Wei who is 3 Geup higher. I appreciate the fact that she corrects me and give me tips when I was executing my patterns during the previous lessons. As I understand that she is a tough person, this sparring was more relax. At least I know she will be able to block my bows adequately and is able to take it if I manage to hit her. Wong-sir said I should not move around so much but just stand steady and wait for my opponent to come and when the opponent comes, I attack. At the start of the sparring, I tried a turning kick, Jing Wei dodged and I lost my balance and fell flat on the ground which caused a bruise on my knee. It was quite a funny sight. Then I got up and continued. I managed to execute blocks this time, which was an improvement. I also kicked her left arm with a loud thud and it was scary so I apologized immediately. Then some “senior” shouted “Don’t say sorry!”
I didn’t volunteer for my third sparring session. Wong-sir picked me and Sylvia to be the first pair to spar. Wong-sir said this time I am less panicky this time. He corrected my blocks and asked me to keep my fist clenched during a block. Sylvia also said I caused a bruise on her shin. No injuries on me this time.
There is this “senior” that comes occasionally. I don’t know how old is he and I don’t exactly know his rank. He is at least a 2nd Geup. During my first few lessons, Joelle said that this senior doesn’t know his stuff too well but still likes to correct people. From what I heard, my impression of him was that he is some stuck up person. Apparently, last Sunday’s training while we were practicing kicks, he came and gave a lot of guidance and corrected our kicks. Although some people may think that he should not be telling us what to do, I really didn’t mind him asking me to do my kicks again and correcting me. At least I know how to do them properly while Wong-sir is busy. Then during break, he was teaching Jing Wei and I how to do the jump kick which is of quite an advance level. Wong-sir came to say that we want to learn how to run before learning how to walk. The senior told Wong-sir that we are doing the kicks better than the other higher rank people. I don’t know for sure if my kicks were really that good. The people he was referring too were showing him attitudes when he was correcting them. So there is a possibility that he is getting back at them.
what we could have been, 2:12 PM.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
“Today is JK’s birthday.” Oh gosh… how many times have I used this phrase to cheer myself up today already? Considering the fact that it is only 9.40 am now. I am not in the best of moods these few days. There was so little activity last week, and what’s more… there is no training. But it doesn’t matter, training resumes today! I heard we may be sparring today!!! And we probably will get to know the grading results. I can’t wait for training later!
As I was saying, I wasn’t in the best of moods. So what do I do when I am not feeling happy? I go to my “paradise” to de-stress. It is not really paradise… just that I enjoy going there alone to chill. So I packed my stuff after completing house cleaning, and I went to my little “paradise” to feel the sun on my ears and shoulders. Spending around 2 hours there from 12.50 to 3 pm, I got a “more-than-good” tan! Haha… self-proclaimed “white-chicken” Shenglong is going to be jealous. I didn’t apply sun-block as usual, but I normally spend about an hour there or perhaps not at those hottest hours of the day! I even got sun burn on my back which was usually not very common. Nevertheless, it won’t deter me from going there again at that time to de-stress. In fact I would rather have a sun blazing hot day than to have a grey weather when I go there.
Happy Birthday Jun Ki. :)
As I was saying, I wasn’t in the best of moods. So what do I do when I am not feeling happy? I go to my “paradise” to de-stress. It is not really paradise… just that I enjoy going there alone to chill. So I packed my stuff after completing house cleaning, and I went to my little “paradise” to feel the sun on my ears and shoulders. Spending around 2 hours there from 12.50 to 3 pm, I got a “more-than-good” tan! Haha… self-proclaimed “white-chicken” Shenglong is going to be jealous. I didn’t apply sun-block as usual, but I normally spend about an hour there or perhaps not at those hottest hours of the day! I even got sun burn on my back which was usually not very common. Nevertheless, it won’t deter me from going there again at that time to de-stress. In fact I would rather have a sun blazing hot day than to have a grey weather when I go there.
Happy Birthday Jun Ki. :)
what we could have been, 10:00 AM.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Sunday… grading just happened so quickly. It was over before I really know it started. The only thing I remembered about my pattern was that I put focus into my kicks. Looking around the hall, so many people from other organizations were doing their patterns so beautifully… I doubt I will be getting 8th Geup this time. I am not even sure if the examinar watched my moves. The earliest I will know the results is 17th April. Yeps. 17th April is also his birthday… my favourite 3rd Dan person’s birthday… hope his birthday brings me some luck. I want to get a double in this grading so I can feel closer to him! Logically that is not possible of course.
Recently, I had some problems with certain friends.
Ok, I wasn’t even close to this person to even call her my friend. I tried to get to know her better so many times, but she is very selective on the people. I don’t really like her attitude and many aspects of her character. She tries to act much younger her age and the thing is she thinks it is amusing to be this way. It stings sometimes she just shoots her mouth off without thought and how she overly-prefers to be associated with certain people under her personal formula of classification. I don’t even know if she is aware of her own caste system. Why should we only be friendly to people who are popular or cool? What about people worth being friends with but are not that “cool”? Probably the fact that I always feel very left out when she is around makes me rant so much about her and brews my little dislike of her. Sometimes I think she is not worth my efforts… after all, she doesn’t seem to respond to them. I don’t know… there is still a possibility of me seeing her in the wrong light all along. There must be something about her in which allows her to proclaim the many people she calls her friends and the other way around. There used to be a reason for me to get to know her better but now the reason is gone. And so, I think now I shall just give up.
This other problem with someone else is more hurting… at the very least, it seems we used to be close for a considerable period some time ago. I seriously don’t understand what has happened. Probably we both grew up and headed different paths, different interests. The connection between has vanished into thin air. Many things she would disagree with me now, then it appears as if she doesn’t understand my feelings, doesn’t empathize. The worse is that I think she doesn’t even want to give a damn about how I would feel. I regret that I keep having this lingering feeling that everything was about her; our conversations were only about her and what concerns her. How can we withhold a friendship that only goes one way? Then I think I just withdrawn. It became tiring to keep her in touch when it seems like I am the one that has to accommodate to her interests. I was giving and giving in; she was receiving without sensing. My feelings felt neglected … it didn’t feel good. I treasured and missed what it was like before, yet I know “before” won’t be coming back. At least it won’t come back in a whole; part of it was already gone forever. Damage was already made but one day I will forget, and one day our paths may meet again. Then, we will have a common interest once again and what we discuss will again be a pool with breadth and depth. But that is only when you change and I clean forget. Till then, even when you embrace me when we meet, I think can’t hug you back like I mean it. I’m sorry, but secretly, I hope you are too.
I just had a random thought:
If you feel everyone is giving you problems, the problem may after all be you.
Not everyone is giving me a problem right now... but then thinking about it, my problems may all along lie in me. I promise I will be reflecting about this!
Recently, I had some problems with certain friends.
Ok, I wasn’t even close to this person to even call her my friend. I tried to get to know her better so many times, but she is very selective on the people. I don’t really like her attitude and many aspects of her character. She tries to act much younger her age and the thing is she thinks it is amusing to be this way. It stings sometimes she just shoots her mouth off without thought and how she overly-prefers to be associated with certain people under her personal formula of classification. I don’t even know if she is aware of her own caste system. Why should we only be friendly to people who are popular or cool? What about people worth being friends with but are not that “cool”? Probably the fact that I always feel very left out when she is around makes me rant so much about her and brews my little dislike of her. Sometimes I think she is not worth my efforts… after all, she doesn’t seem to respond to them. I don’t know… there is still a possibility of me seeing her in the wrong light all along. There must be something about her in which allows her to proclaim the many people she calls her friends and the other way around. There used to be a reason for me to get to know her better but now the reason is gone. And so, I think now I shall just give up.
This other problem with someone else is more hurting… at the very least, it seems we used to be close for a considerable period some time ago. I seriously don’t understand what has happened. Probably we both grew up and headed different paths, different interests. The connection between has vanished into thin air. Many things she would disagree with me now, then it appears as if she doesn’t understand my feelings, doesn’t empathize. The worse is that I think she doesn’t even want to give a damn about how I would feel. I regret that I keep having this lingering feeling that everything was about her; our conversations were only about her and what concerns her. How can we withhold a friendship that only goes one way? Then I think I just withdrawn. It became tiring to keep her in touch when it seems like I am the one that has to accommodate to her interests. I was giving and giving in; she was receiving without sensing. My feelings felt neglected … it didn’t feel good. I treasured and missed what it was like before, yet I know “before” won’t be coming back. At least it won’t come back in a whole; part of it was already gone forever. Damage was already made but one day I will forget, and one day our paths may meet again. Then, we will have a common interest once again and what we discuss will again be a pool with breadth and depth. But that is only when you change and I clean forget. Till then, even when you embrace me when we meet, I think can’t hug you back like I mean it. I’m sorry, but secretly, I hope you are too.
I just had a random thought:
If you feel everyone is giving you problems, the problem may after all be you.
Not everyone is giving me a problem right now... but then thinking about it, my problems may all along lie in me. I promise I will be reflecting about this!
what we could have been, 10:57 AM.
