Monday, April 09, 2007
Sunday… grading just happened so quickly. It was over before I really know it started. The only thing I remembered about my pattern was that I put focus into my kicks. Looking around the hall, so many people from other organizations were doing their patterns so beautifully… I doubt I will be getting 8th Geup this time. I am not even sure if the examinar watched my moves. The earliest I will know the results is 17th April. Yeps. 17th April is also his birthday… my favourite 3rd Dan person’s birthday… hope his birthday brings me some luck. I want to get a double in this grading so I can feel closer to him! Logically that is not possible of course.
Recently, I had some problems with certain friends.
Ok, I wasn’t even close to this person to even call her my friend. I tried to get to know her better so many times, but she is very selective on the people. I don’t really like her attitude and many aspects of her character. She tries to act much younger her age and the thing is she thinks it is amusing to be this way. It stings sometimes she just shoots her mouth off without thought and how she overly-prefers to be associated with certain people under her personal formula of classification. I don’t even know if she is aware of her own caste system. Why should we only be friendly to people who are popular or cool? What about people worth being friends with but are not that “cool”? Probably the fact that I always feel very left out when she is around makes me rant so much about her and brews my little dislike of her. Sometimes I think she is not worth my efforts… after all, she doesn’t seem to respond to them. I don’t know… there is still a possibility of me seeing her in the wrong light all along. There must be something about her in which allows her to proclaim the many people she calls her friends and the other way around. There used to be a reason for me to get to know her better but now the reason is gone. And so, I think now I shall just give up.
This other problem with someone else is more hurting… at the very least, it seems we used to be close for a considerable period some time ago. I seriously don’t understand what has happened. Probably we both grew up and headed different paths, different interests. The connection between has vanished into thin air. Many things she would disagree with me now, then it appears as if she doesn’t understand my feelings, doesn’t empathize. The worse is that I think she doesn’t even want to give a damn about how I would feel. I regret that I keep having this lingering feeling that everything was about her; our conversations were only about her and what concerns her. How can we withhold a friendship that only goes one way? Then I think I just withdrawn. It became tiring to keep her in touch when it seems like I am the one that has to accommodate to her interests. I was giving and giving in; she was receiving without sensing. My feelings felt neglected … it didn’t feel good. I treasured and missed what it was like before, yet I know “before” won’t be coming back. At least it won’t come back in a whole; part of it was already gone forever. Damage was already made but one day I will forget, and one day our paths may meet again. Then, we will have a common interest once again and what we discuss will again be a pool with breadth and depth. But that is only when you change and I clean forget. Till then, even when you embrace me when we meet, I think can’t hug you back like I mean it. I’m sorry, but secretly, I hope you are too.
I just had a random thought:
If you feel everyone is giving you problems, the problem may after all be you.
Not everyone is giving me a problem right now... but then thinking about it, my problems may all along lie in me. I promise I will be reflecting about this!
Recently, I had some problems with certain friends.
Ok, I wasn’t even close to this person to even call her my friend. I tried to get to know her better so many times, but she is very selective on the people. I don’t really like her attitude and many aspects of her character. She tries to act much younger her age and the thing is she thinks it is amusing to be this way. It stings sometimes she just shoots her mouth off without thought and how she overly-prefers to be associated with certain people under her personal formula of classification. I don’t even know if she is aware of her own caste system. Why should we only be friendly to people who are popular or cool? What about people worth being friends with but are not that “cool”? Probably the fact that I always feel very left out when she is around makes me rant so much about her and brews my little dislike of her. Sometimes I think she is not worth my efforts… after all, she doesn’t seem to respond to them. I don’t know… there is still a possibility of me seeing her in the wrong light all along. There must be something about her in which allows her to proclaim the many people she calls her friends and the other way around. There used to be a reason for me to get to know her better but now the reason is gone. And so, I think now I shall just give up.
This other problem with someone else is more hurting… at the very least, it seems we used to be close for a considerable period some time ago. I seriously don’t understand what has happened. Probably we both grew up and headed different paths, different interests. The connection between has vanished into thin air. Many things she would disagree with me now, then it appears as if she doesn’t understand my feelings, doesn’t empathize. The worse is that I think she doesn’t even want to give a damn about how I would feel. I regret that I keep having this lingering feeling that everything was about her; our conversations were only about her and what concerns her. How can we withhold a friendship that only goes one way? Then I think I just withdrawn. It became tiring to keep her in touch when it seems like I am the one that has to accommodate to her interests. I was giving and giving in; she was receiving without sensing. My feelings felt neglected … it didn’t feel good. I treasured and missed what it was like before, yet I know “before” won’t be coming back. At least it won’t come back in a whole; part of it was already gone forever. Damage was already made but one day I will forget, and one day our paths may meet again. Then, we will have a common interest once again and what we discuss will again be a pool with breadth and depth. But that is only when you change and I clean forget. Till then, even when you embrace me when we meet, I think can’t hug you back like I mean it. I’m sorry, but secretly, I hope you are too.
I just had a random thought:
If you feel everyone is giving you problems, the problem may after all be you.
Not everyone is giving me a problem right now... but then thinking about it, my problems may all along lie in me. I promise I will be reflecting about this!
what we could have been, 10:57 AM.
