emzyme the catalyst of my life

尺八 links

2009-08-27T13:29:00.000+08:00

This sem I am taking a module called Shakuhachi ensemble from NIE. Bought the plastic shakuhachi for $60 and after my first lesson, I need to start practising to play it. So far, I only manage to blow one note and most of the time, there is no sound when I blow the Shakuhachi.

So below is gonna be some links which I will use for my personal practises =]

Playing the first note
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qM6XU0YZa9s&feature=channel

Breathing and Posture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeEmhLeN1iY&feature=channel

It's obvious how you prioritise.

2009-08-16T01:28:00.000+08:00

I think nobody is going to mind if training is cancelled. I guess some may even rejoice at the information. In my opinion, it seems like nobody really wants and look forward to these extra trainings anyway. It's like, "if I have nothing better to do, I'll come" and "If I have something not important to do, then I won't come" or "if it's inconvenient for me, then I won't come". I'm not trying to shoot anyone or mean any harm in any way. Just that deep down in me, I sometimes feel these ways and I guess many others, if not all, feels the same deep inside too. Tell me if I'm wrong... and in fact I do have a little hope that I am mistaken in this matter.

So why, if people do not prioritise these trainings you hold for them, you prioritise holding these trainings more than anything else. Then again, why would I prioritise you and your interest when I wasn't your priority (even your interest in holding trainings is superior to me).

Sometimes I just feel that I am just chasing something so hopeless. Years later, I'm going to feel like I was such a fool.

begging to be loved

2009-08-14T11:43:00.001+08:00

He makes me feel like a beggar.

Begging for a meal together;
Begging for an outing together;
Begging for company;
Begging for more time to spend together;
Begging for more love...

That's why I say I hate to take the initiative to keep asking time and again.

"It's the perspective of him thinking he didn't reject you and you thinking he rejected you."

affinity is when I'm Haemoglobin and you're Oxygen

2009-08-13T23:13:00.001+08:00

MooCow just told me about this pick-up line and I think it is pretty interesting:
Affinity is when I'm Haemoglobin and you're Oxygen.

I always remind myself to be independent. But it came to me as a shock when 39.10 told me that I am very dependent on him. On the other hand I felt that I couldn't get the attention especially when I need it most. So I think it requires a lot of give and take to reach a compromise.

Upon reflection, I guess perhaps it is not that untrue that I'm being overly dependent. I always need more pampering. *sigh*

Makes me wanna be red light flashing green/purple arrow. But that's absolutely inappropriate right?

He's not talking about IJ girls

2009-07-19T18:44:00.001+08:00

Subject: These people turn me off
He's not talking about IJ girls.... and I got a kick out of reading it.

http://starblog.stomp.com.sg/post.php?blogid=1279

Akon - Sorry, blame it on me

2009-06-30T11:14:00.002+08:00

Heard this song on the radio a few times but I didn't manage to remember to find the lyrics or the vid on youtube. I heard it again yesterday at the pool parlor. So I'm remembering to find it today. Touched.

Sorry, blame it on me -Akon

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that
I've done things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know

That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect

I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there

Because I'm in the streets like everyday
I'm sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags
Just trying to stay busy until you heard from dad

When you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree

He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief

I'm sorry that I grew up way to fast
[ Sorry Blame It On Me lyrics from http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/ ]
I wish I would of listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
But they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me
Sorry Blame It On Me (Akon)

First Year Anniversary

2009-05-20T10:57:00.004+08:00

I woke up this morning to a a beautiful pot of flowers set in a tin watering can and a limited edition of a pouting Doraemon soft-toy at my bedside, reminding me of a wonderful day spent yesterday. As of yesterday, it has already been a year since I got attached.

So he came to my house at around noon, armed with a bag full of ingredients to prepare macaroni and cheese at my place, the limited edition Doraemon imported from Japan and also the pot of a mix of peach-coloured roses, daisies, Sun-flowers and other cute assortment of small yellow flowers and leaves. I already told him no flowers the previous night, but still this is the most beautiful ones I have ever received so far. I guess that it cost around $60.

So we spent a few hours trying to fix the macaroni and cheese and I learnt that he must not have cooked often, if ever at all. He forgot to put milk and the first tray came out too dry. I worked on the second one but it was too cinnamon-y for my taste. He also bought this pair of chocolat heart palm size cakes from Bakerzin and decorated it with chocolate chip ice cream and drizzled some Hershey's chocolate syrup.

We skipped training for an evening of pool, Ichiban dinner and movie. I lost all 5 games straight to him. His pool was really good and I told him I would like to ask my friends to play pool together and pair up with him for the game.

My part, there was the E63 phone and I baked horrible peanut butter cookies and gave him 19 heart shaped ones and 5 star-shaped ones. I paid for the Ichiban dinner and wanted to treat for the movie too but I was totally OOC (out of cash).

Even though I was a little irritated and fussy while we were preparing the macaroni and cheese but ultimately I had a great day. Only hoping that he enjoyed himself as much, if not more, too. Afterall, he has spent a bit and would already have felt the pinch, no point for him to brood over the money and forget about the enjoyment.

A great future spouse

2009-05-18T23:08:00.008+08:00

Cryn is a scholar with a bright future ahead, a son who helps with housework and probably a good bf. I don't know his gf well so I won't really comment on the last bit. I teased him today, saying that his future wife will probably have it good. Just ask him to do the housework - he can sweep-magicclean-mop, laundry, iron clothes.

Me...I'm not so sure. If my future husband would be my current bf, then I will probably be slogging away with housework on top of work. Cook, house-cleaning, laundry. His home doesn't have any washing machine, I hope he doesn't expect handwashed laundry. "I'm never going to own a condo", "I don't want to have a car", these are plainly-laid words for me not to expect; these are phrases without a flicker of hope. It doesn't even feel like he's at least going to try to work towards it. No comfort-living and still must forgo my free time away to serve my husband - sounds like an unhappy life.

"Man can't live on Love alone." And even if I can live on love alone, then will there even be time and energy to love with such a pessimistic future?

Someday the blooming flowers will wilt and die..

Grandpa's birthday dinner

2009-05-18T22:54:00.004+08:00

Went to Premier Thai on Saturday for Grandpa's birthday dinner. Ordered the claypot sharks' fin. the gravy is thick and so are that pieces of sharks' fin. Just needs to be a little saltier. Try it with their chopped green chilli.

SSO @ NTU

2009-03-20T22:48:00.002+08:00

I had been looking forward to this concert"SSO @ NTU" ever since I saw the banner in school. Since my week was a busy one and I'm gonna have an upcoming test tomorrow morning, I was hesitant about whether to go for this concert.

So I went, thinking that it will help me relax after 7+ hours straight of studying. And wow! It was awesome.

I was a little late though and saw people running to the auditorium and when I finally made it to the entrance, we were not allowed to admit because the concert has started. But soon after we were requested to go to the circular sitting area at the higher floor.

Conductor: Darrell Ang - When he conducts, it kinda feels like he's submerged in the music, taking in every note and lightly dipping the softer ones. Lots of energy and passion.

The programme is as such:
1) Ludwig Van Beethoven (1770-1827)
Overture to Egmont
2) Ludwig Van Beethoven
First Movement from Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67
3) Ludwig Van Beethoven
Finale from Symphony No. 3 in E-flat major, Op. 55 'Eroica'
4) Johannes Brahms (1833-1897)
Hungarian Dances Nos. 2 & 5
5) Carlos Gardell (1887-1935)
Por Una Cabeza (Tango)
6) Modest Mussorgsky (1839-1881)
Night on a Bald Mountain
7, 8) Encore (and I don't know what are the pieces)

All these pieces are familiar ones and so it is very enjoyable listening to them. I hoped that I have sat nearer the ochestra for the loudness and clarity and to better take in the music.

Packed week

2009-03-18T09:57:00.002+08:00

Monday
- Jap essay due
- Jap nai-ke quiz

Tuesday- CBC 211 Test

Wednesday- HS811Test

Thursday- Hand in full lab report

Friday- breather

Saturday- CBC 214 Test

Woke up today and saw my phone's clock is already 10.10am. I wanted to snooze awhile more before studying but I decided to get up within a few seconds. Went to wash up and packed ready to get out of the room. Then i realised the time is actually 8+am. Gosh... went for a leisurely breakfast and sitting in the library now, gonna study after this and get my lab report done.

Starbucks Java Chip

2009-02-23T14:34:00.005+08:00

Can't believe I have ordered Java Chip at Starbucks. It is something he likes to drink- and probably one of the reason was because it was (or is) 35.45's favourite drink. Really surprised me that I have ordered it. Perhaps I have gotten over the whole matter and moved on. But if to view it in a more passive way, I must have sank deeper.

Valentine's Day roses

Vday woes

2009-02-11T01:09:00.003+08:00

I didn't jog today and it is worse seeing 35.45 jogs. Happens that 35.45 is in the same weight cat as me now... it's irritating too. If 39.10 expects me to be thinner then I must at least be lighter than 35.45. That's my metality.

Recently I have been hoping that 39.10 would tell me that he wants to spend the whole day with me on sunday. Yes vday is on saturday but then I think it would make me feel more secure if I see 39.10 on Sunday. Rational being that 35.45's birthday falls on Sunday, deep inside, I am afraid that 39.10 would want to celebrate her birthday. Last year was already hurting enough. I don't want a something similar to happen again. I didn't want to suggest vday celeb to be on Suunday because I want to be trusting towards 39.10, even if he claims he would be home the whole day, I would believe. Or would I? Before Sunday could even come, he told me today that he has to attend a friend's wedding this Sunday... which mad me doubtful. I totally detest a relationship where mistrust exist... so much that I feel like ending it sometimes. It is all these mistrusts and doubts that makes this relationship so untolerable.

I don't want my first vday being attached to be disappointing. I don't want to learn that the day after vday is a day of the relationship's destruction (it would be if 39.10 wants to celebrate 35.45's birthday - I'm that petty).

Gossip-monger 58.71

2009-01-23T21:41:00.004+08:00

Seriously... I don't understand why recently the gossips I heard that isn't too pleasing to the ears always originate back to that gossip-monger. The things 58.71 said has caused some trouble for some.

I was pretty upset when i was told that 58.71 has made me one of her topics when she went overseas with a group of friends within our circle. (There were other things she did that wasn't very agreeable but it doesn't concern me directly and I shall not mention it in this entry.) Anyway, what was worse was that I heard that 58.71's source was one of my close friends. So I went to ask my close friend if he had told 58.71 about the things I had shared with him and had expected him to keep it to himself. So my close friend admitted that he did and he believed that 58.71 would not be the one spreading. I silently disagreed. I really treasured our friendship and that was the reason why I wanted to clarify and since he admitted and was apologetic, I wasn't too angry about it. However, somehow as appropriate as it may seem, it is a wrong move.

Little did I expect that my close friend actually went to ask 58.71 about that matter. 58.71 told him that she can guess who was the one that leaked about her broadcasting business to me. So that was what my close friend told me and I thought there's nothing much I can comment. Happily, I thought this merry-go-round would just stop there. Alas! What more exciting could have came up than having 58.71 complaining about the person who had leaked her and the person who had leaked her got reprimanded. And now it felt like my fault that I went to clarify matters with my close friend. I strongly felt that the sound wave should just stop and I shall not let it continue. So i decided to keep mum but unfortunately I finally exploded to my closefriend about the merry-go-round issue. Sadly, now I feel that I am no longer as close to that "close friend" anymore.

Today, yet again, I've got news that 58.71 leaked info about our teams to a friend from an outside club of mine. I really didn't want my outside friend to know just yet that I may be competing with him this time. I wanted to keep it a surprise or perhaps to let him know when I'm ready to do so. Now I don't have the chance, thanks to the spoiler!

Too young to see this with my heart

2009-01-18T12:14:00.002+08:00

Guess what is going through my head and making me upset recently is very unreasonable and immature. I hate the current me... so emo, always crying and feeling upset. Where did the happy-go-lucky went to?

Because of all this rubbish, I think people start to dislike me. And so I start to dislike them even more too. Think: am I being unfairly treated or is it that I only think I am unfairly treated and that's not the case.

Was 12's msn nick directed at me because she so happened to see my post yesterday. Or worse? It was directed at him because something I didn't know happened. If only I could stop being over-sensitive and forming scenarios out of nothing, think I will be happier.

I want to get back to that happy me!!! I always thought break-up would be the solution but then how can i tide through it?

2009-01-17T18:20:00.002+08:00

Why does she deserve to be coached by you when she seems so reluctant to coach me? Why does she deserve to have you ask her down for
our trainings when she doesn't even bother holding any for me?

She seems like she doesn't want to help when I initiated and requested for
trainings. I really need to do something if I really want to compete. And who else closer can I look for to help other than you? Must I be the one to supress my emotions and force myself to concentrate. There really is no other way if I really want to train isn't it.

What justifies her to come to join us in trainings if she's disrupting me on top of not wanting to help? Why do you have to make things awkward and put me in a spot?

Ignorance is bliss?

2008-12-17T16:03:00.003+08:00

The more I find out, the more upset I get. Found one about one week ago, found another one today. The one i found last week wasn't so bad... the one i just found today sucks. Made me feel like puking. Even made me want to...

Think I haven't already come to a decision. I should just stop thinking about changing it already. There's enough unhappiness that comes ever so frequently for the last 7 months or more. It was a mistake right from the start. Of course I will feel sad afterwards but that's inevitable and will tide over. Better than the constant changes in my mood, suspicion and tears ever so often.

Hope everything goes according to plan and works out well.

Time to let go :)

First Month

2008-06-20T11:18:00.003+08:00

Imagine

You are on a bicycle, and right in front you see a long flight of staircase. Everyone tells you "Don't ride down the stairs, you're gonna hurt yourself!" But right at the very moment it is just so tempting, so exciting.

Deep inside you know... if you ride down that staircase, you either prove something or you get hurt dooper badly.

I am riding down the staircase now... feeling the thrill but there is a part of me that still feels the tinge of fright and a little regret.

Does it mean that things are not turning out well when you start feeling scared and regret creeping up your very numb legs?

Normal Shelf Life: 2 weeks to 1 month
Emotion: Absolute disappointment. (But trying not to show)

I'm asking for too much?

Kisses Don't Lie - Rihanna

2008-06-03T11:01:00.002+08:00

Kisses dont
No they dont
Never dont lie
You can run if you want but you cant hide
Tellin you its the truth dont you ask why
Kisses dont
No they dont
Kisses dont lie

[Verse 1:]
Emotions come and go
Almost how the wind will blow
There so little in this world to trust in
Seduce themselves with lies
Some dont realize
They call it love but its really only lustin

[Refrain:]
So you see you and me
We're gettin close to the danger zone
Show me how tell me now
Should I stay or should i go
Cause I'm caught between yes and no

[Hook:]
Cause when you kiss me
I feel everything that I been missing
I try to slow down but my heart wont listen
And its tearin me all up inside
And when you touch me
I feel a rush but I'm afraid that it might crush me
Should I put my trust in somethin
I dont trust inI try to run but theres no place to hide
Cause baby kisses dont lie

Kisses dont
No they dont
Never dont lie
You can run if you want but you cant hide
Tellin you its the truth dont you ask why
Kisses dont
No they dont
Kisses dont lie

[Verse 2:]
You whisper in my ear
But are your words sincere
Cause pretty words can cut just like a knife
You see I'm nobody's fool
I play by my own rules
So please think twice before you step into my life

[Refrain:]
So you see you and me
We're gettin close to the danger zone
Show me how tell me now
Should I stay or should i go
Cause I'm caught between yes and no

[Hook x2][Refrain][Hook]

Take a Bow - Rihanna

2008-06-03T10:55:00.002+08:00

Oh, how 'bout a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation
Oooohhh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry(Please...)
Just cut it out
And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a showReally had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Oh oh oh
Grab your clothes and get gone
Ya better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' 'bout "Girl I love you, you're the one."
It just looks like a rerun(Please...)
What else is on?
And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Ooohh
And the award for the best lie goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech ooohh
How bout a round of applause?
Standing ovation
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now...

Year 1 Sem 2 exams are over

2008-05-09T11:17:00.004+08:00

Yeah. So that's the end of my first year in uni... aint it fast? Gosh.

Looking for a job now that I have a 3 mth break. Probably relief teaching, tuition or as camp instructor? Those slack jobs will give me enough time to do my other stuff as well as earn some money, so I won't have to rely on my parents so much. Tell me if you know of any slack jobs like this ok.

So many other stuff I want to do. Joining Dash and Paddles,so there is a need for physical training... and my stamina is so gone!!! Learn some more hip hop maybe? National's Poomsae.. in need of training. Go to Perth to look for Mel... and dad said there is this $298 Quantas air-ticket. Woh, if I am going overseas alone, there so much to plan alone too...

When are my results coming out? When is it that I need to plan for Next Sem's timetable. So many dates to scribble on my calender.

Sparex is on 6th to 8th June. I cant wait! This is so exciting, but it is worrying too... can we get enough people to come? Or what if we get too many? Can we book enough hostel rooms? Will anything crop up?

Thinking quite a bit about my new unofficial position. Am I really up to it? Is it really what I expected and is it what I really want to do or if there's more than that?

4Ds

2008-03-08T10:17:00.002+08:00

Determination
Discipline
Drive
Desire

These 4 'D's got me through NTU Open '08 (IVP '08).
Thanks to Ojang team, Ojang AIs and my coach Celestine for encouragement and support.
Trainings daily for the past month have been tough physically, mentally and my school work took the plunge... but it has been fulfilling and rewarding. Although being Ojang's reserve (as I would have preferred) and me being idiotic during sparring, I still love my two gold medals, for they signify my endurance, hard work and effort.

Cheers.

Poem: "Don't Quit"

2008-02-20T00:37:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Vanessa Khong for sending me this poem. Much appreciated :)

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,:
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.
Life is queer wit its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learns,
and many a fellow turns about when he might have won
had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
you may succeed with another blow
Sucess is failure turned inside out -
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be NEAR when it seems AFAR;
so STICK to the fight when you're HARDEST HIT -
it's when things seem worst, you must not quit.

Better That We Break - Maroon 5

2008-02-20T00:28:00.002+08:00

Better That We Break - Maroon 5

I never knew perfection till, I heard you speak
And now it kills me just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible too
And everything's reminding me of you
What can I doIt's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break
A fool to let you slip away
I'd chase you just to hear you say
You're scared, and that you think that I'm insane
City looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there it disappears
It disappears
It's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in painIt's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break
Saw you sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold
But that's alright
Love these days is getting rough
It knocks you down, then beats you up
But its just a roller coaster anyway
It's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break

Hate That I Love You - Rihana feat. Neyo

2008-02-03T12:19:00.000+08:00

Hate That I Love You - Rihana feat. Neyo

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand ya
'Most everything you do
Make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for a while?

No, but you won't let me
You upset me, girl, and the you kiss my lips
All of a sudden, I forget that I was upset
Can't remember what you did

But, I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long, that's wrong

But, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss and fight no more
Said, I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it's not fair how you take advantage of the fact
That I love you beyong the reason why
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you, girl
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

One of these days, maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you probably always have the spell on me

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate how much I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
And I hate that I love you so, so

Over-protective of myself?

2008-01-30T03:00:00.000+08:00

Don't know if this is even a good idea to be let my guard down a little more.

"Whatever it is, hope you will be honest with me k... no matter if the situation is that you really like someone else, or anything that I may feel upset after listening, I just want to hear it from you... cos I think maybe I am pretty protective of myself in the relationship aspect, so I want to let my guard down... and will just try my best to believe your side of the story."

First week of Sem 2

2008-01-13T14:01:00.000+08:00

It is the first week of Semester 2. Academic wise, it is not in full swing yet since certain lessons only starts on week 2. For me, I think time is needed for me to adjust to this no-time-for-slacking lifestyle. It has been quite busy for me that i constantly feel tired and in need of sleep. Think next week is not going to be any easier.

Monday 7th Jan
No lessons, slack at home

Tuesday 8th Jan
No lessons, slack at home
Training
O jang training

Wednesday 9th jan
Lessons starts
Training

Thursday 10th Jan
Lessons
O jang training

Friday 11th Jan
Lessons
Training

Saturday 12th Jan
O jang Training
Training at Kallang

Shucks... and I need to lose even more weight. Lost 2kg in a week. I guess I will put on some weight over the weekend for mummy is constantly feeding me and there's lots of temptation in the house. Mummy gets damn pissed off when there is left over food... and we will be left to tolerate her black face which is not as enormously irritating as her tantrums.

Signs that you're on the rebound - The Sunday Times

2008-01-13T13:53:00.000+08:00

From The Sunday Times 13th Jan 2008

Signs that you're on the rebound
- If you have not worked through the issues of your last relationship and are still grieving over it.
- If your current relationship is very intense and one-dimensional, like it is based only on sex or physical needs.
- If the other person is an obvious mismatch - perhaps much older or younger.
- If you keep having to justify yourself why the new relationship is the right one.
- If the new relationship fizzles out too quickly and loses its shine.
- If you still find yourself pining for the person you lost.

Information provided by Dr Adrian Wang

So afraid that one of us is rebounding...

List of events

2008-01-07T17:31:00.000+08:00

31st dec
- night cycling and count down with ODAC 22nd

1st Jan
- watch sunrise with ODAC 22nd
- dinner, movie and thrashing with Tigger

2nd Jan
- o jang 1st training

3rd Jan
- Ichiban with Ellise, Weng, Yuting
- tkd training

4th Jan
- tkd chalet

5th Jan
- o jang 2nd training
- watched Xin Yi's grading

6th Jan
- grading
- shop for daddy's belated birthday present

7th Jan
- just slack at home

Helena - My Chemical Romance

2007-12-27T13:41:00.000+08:00

Long ago, just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on just like the match you strike
To incinerate the lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight
Came a time
When every starfall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long and goodnight.
So long not goodnight.
Well if you carry on this way.
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend
To leave?
And then
We'll meet again.
When both our cars collide
What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, not goodnight
Well if you carry on this way.
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight
So long, and goodnight

Mass Food Poisoning

2007-11-24T10:46:00.001+08:00

I was waken up in the early morning with a stomach aches and I thought that probably I was just too nervous to go for blood dontion today. I opened my door and saw the lights were switched on. Nik's door was ajar and he was not inside. Dad's watching TV. The first thing that occured to me was "What's happening?" My clouded, half-asleep mind could not yet focus and the only thought was BATHROOM.

Well, Dad has got a bad stomach ache, so did Nik. Shucks, and I thought something must be wrong. Well apparently, I was not feeling all that bad which was lucky. Nik ate the most yesterday and he's suffering the most today. Hate the nauseating feeling and the come-and-go aches at the adomen.

I couldn't really control my laughter much this morning for I thought it was kinda funny to have mass food poisoning. Mum didn't get it for she did not really eat dinner yesterday as it wasn't to her taste. If I had persisted at stubbonly refusing dinner, I would not be having a problem today. Not to worry, we have since visited the doctor and she has not refered us to the hospital. It will get better.

So it boils down to no blood donation for me today. When all along I have been trying to run away and escape from it, giving my reasons and stating my fears, when I have finally thought that I may give it a shot (no pun intended)... still no affinity with donating blood.

I am restraining from giving you my explanations. If I give anymore reasons for not donating blood with you today, you probably would think that I am lying to run away from it. If you know me well enough, you would know that I refrain from lying and my lies are usually weak. Anyway, I am sick and your messages are not helping. Probably you intended for it to be teasing but you didn't realise it is hurting more than you expect. Otherwise, and I won't know for sure, you probably meant what you texted me today. And I don't know why I really care.

Dis-heartened.

2007-11-19T08:03:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is CBC111 (Modern Chemistry) exam. I don't know what I can expect. I did study for the last test but the results turned out to be not-so-good. As usual, I am perfoming below average. Became very worried ever since I know about my mid-term 2 results with none performing above average. How?

Yeps, like I said in the previous entry, I had my forensic science exam last thursday and it turned out to be a challenging paper, with many case studies that are to be recalled. It is not helpful in the sense that the caucasian names and far-away places are used to mention and classify the cases. However, I guess the paper is do-able, for many questions tests on common sense and general knowledge. I am sure going to miss this module... it is my favourite one so far.

How do you know whether you like or have fallen for someone, and not just reciprocating with kindness for the love the other party has given you? How should you act or react, in order not to be leading the other party on while sorting out your own feelings? Things are happening too quickly and my attention is captured in no time. I'm in a lost as to how I should respond; responding to "jia you" and "good luck" was easy; responding to "good morning", "good night" and "sweet dreams" is tricky and gets more and more difficult as time passes; responding to some others gets a bit tough that I had to skip and ignor them altogether. Lost and the only way out is by myself, before you say "Game Over".

Perhaps in the end, you are just sending out the wrong signals or I am interpreting them the wrong way.

MAS 181 Final Exam

2007-11-14T18:45:00.000+08:00

Just ended MAS181 paper a few hours ago... Only can do about 60%. Probably means that I will score around there too. MAS 181 is one of the easier subjects I'm taking this sem. How?

Tomorrow having Forensic Science exam. Hope it will be better-to-the-power-of-infinity.

Irony: You're encouraging. You ask me not to get distracted. But the truth is that you are my greatest distraction at the moment.

Afraid to fall wrongly.

Do You Know by Enrique Iglesias

2007-11-13T16:52:00.000+08:00

Do you know?
Do you know?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the
minute it ends suddenly
I can't get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things
it took to save us
I could fix the pain that
bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I'm standing on the edge
and I don't know what else
to give.

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
If you just don't talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
(Do you know)
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that's never ever happened to me.
(Do you know)
But after this episode I don't see,
you could never tell the next
thing life could be

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has
changed.
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

Do you know?
Do you know?
Do you know?
Do you know?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock
on the door has changed
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

[ Chorus ]
Do you know what it feels like
[ you don't how it feels ]
loving someone that's in a
rush to throw you away
[ you don't how it feels ]
Do you know what it feels like
[ you don't how it feels ]
to be the last one to know the lock
on the door has changed
[ you don't how it feels ]

Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?
Do you know,do you know,do you know,do ya?

The "True Friend Test"

2007-11-03T21:41:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

Impressed by Thai white-belter

2007-10-22T08:28:00.000+08:00

Monday again and the whole routine starts. This week, I think I am feeling more refreshed. I believe it is due to the fact that I keep going home during the weekdays last week. I will be looking forward to this weekend, having a BBQ with my relatives and next monday onwards, I will only need to "book in" on tuesday.

Well, since last saturday, I will be having one or two exams per week up till 29th November. Disgusting but what to do? I didn't set it. Think I got to start studying soon. Don't even know what the lecture for CBC 113 is talking about. Upon reflection, I think I have been more attentive last week. Will have to keep up to that.

Need to do lab report before 12pm... -_-l'

I went for KB club training yesterday evening. There are more and more kids joining, as well as a few teenagers. Particularly impressed by this 17 year old Thai boy who does his kicks very well that I think it is up to NTU's standard... powerful, swift and with that snapping motion. Heard that he has already learnt up to black but now he is still a white-belter. Got to try to spar with him to improve... but then KB don't use padding and guards so naturally feel a bit unsafe. Yeah... that is how scary he sounds. Guess if I want to work towards being a champion, I have to spar with stronger, better people and learn from them.

I need to start exercising after missing a whole week of it. Feeling fat and unfit.

How shag is shag?

2007-10-15T12:04:00.000+08:00

How shag is shag?

Feeling so restless over the past week. Today is monday and the whole routine starts again. I have three tutorials on hand now due this week and the ones for next week are already uploaded. Coming up on Saturday is Maths Mid Term and there are a few more mid terms coming up the following few weeks. And I still have yet to check the dates for them.

So you ask, why don't you do you tutorials over the weekend? My answer is that I miss home so much that I don't even want to look at my tutorials to start with. Rather talk non-stop to my family, disturb my brother who finished exams or sleep. Every week without fail, I will feel homesick by Wednesday. Seems like I am still adapting although it has been 10 weeks already.

Standard Chartered is coming in like less than 6 weeks and the furthest I covered was about 5.6km (14 rounds) and that is like about one quarter of the distance I will be trying in one and a half month's time.

But probably it is all these self-training that makes me so tired and fall asleep during lessons. Absolutely can't stand doing that but I can't help it. So how? More coffee? I am already trying to sleep before 0030Hr daily.

-_-l'

2007-09-29T15:37:00.000+08:00

Physical pain only serves as a distraction from a deeper, more lethal sort of pain.

A new sensation... this time I think it hurts in a different way. I winced when the pain came. It came in short impulses. It didn't last and it doesn't show. But I start to think that it is more painful. Accidentally scarred... just a small mark. Probably it will go soon.

Warped.

T's Waltz by Akira Senju

2007-09-28T22:49:00.000+08:00

T's Waltz by Akira Senju

Heard this song from the jap drama "Strawberry on the Shortcake" (a.k.a SOS). Really like the sad melody. Someone teach me how to play.

NTU TKD Ultimate Challenge 2007

2007-09-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

Ultimate Challenge 2007

Supposedly to be a 2 days-1night camp but the actual highlight of UC was the run which the group completed in 5hours 26 minutes. Oh yes, my group is called Hwarang(Click to find out what's that).

21st Sept
Training was as per normal and we celebrated Mid-Autumn Festival after training with mooncakes, sparklers and games.

22nd Sept
We did PT first thing in the morning and then carried on to breakfast. After breakfast we played some light games and continued to lunch and then watched a korean movie called "Spin Kick". Like the title suggests, it is a tkd movie.

After the movie, the UC run started. We were to put on sparring padding and helmet plus carry a handmitt with us. We ate bananas, did some warm up and stretching and soon the run begin. We jogged up to Nanyang house via the long flight of stairs we used for UC trainings and ran down the slope, went around SRC compound and reached our first station which I believe to be at the carpark where the professors live.

Station one included doing 30 push-up, sit-up, burpees at one lamp post, 20 of each at the next and 10 at the third. Part of my bao-bei shoes' sole came off and I was quite disturbed by it. After which, we continue to run all the way to NIE, running up another flight of stairs along the way. The first station was alreday tiring and I wondered how I was going to complete the run since my stamina is so lousy. That thought kept occuring to me.

Station two was a foot work station. We were required to complete a set of footwork along the stretch. Station 2 was also where we had our water point. I didn't dare drink too much water, being afraid that a stitch will work in. After the not very long water break, we continue to jog to ADM building for our third station.

Station three was a kicking station. We did 30 of each of the kicks on both legs. Short turning stomach level, short turning head level, long turning stomach level, long turning head level, short slamming, long slamming, slide in turning, side step turning. Thats what I can remember. In my opinion, that was the most tiring station. My mouth was really dry and I felt exhausted. Although station three is not a water point, I was really glad that we were given water to drink. Water indeed taste good at that time! Soon after, we carried on to jog up the slope at the edge of hall 2 all the way to LT1 near NY Audi. Totally felt like walking up the slope but we were reminded that if we walk, our friends behind us will suffer. I think that was some sort of motivation, to know that I am not the only one feeling tired.

Station four was a sparring session. I think that this was an interesting station. First we got into groups of 5 and 4 people will surround one person. The 4 will start to shout kicks and hold out handmitts and the centre person is suppose to perform the kick. That is really something new to me and I think it is a good way to train reaction. The second part, we were to do rotation sparring. During the course, I kicked a white belter, who may be taller but obviously appear thinner, she fell and slid along the tiles. Yes, I reflected and felt sorry. Even with padding on I think I should practise caution while sparring with a person new to sparring. Still feeling bad over it although she claimed that she was alright. Nevertheless, sparring was a tiring event. Just as good as sprinting 100m again and again. After the session we had our water break and there were water coolers around. Cold and nice water. Even so, I still went to the sink to drink due to the long queue. Kept telling myself to control my water intake... sip slowly. We continued on to station five running downslope this time to some open space car park near the cultural centre (not sure if that's the name).

When we reached station five, it was already dark. Station five is another kicking station. However this station coordinates our footwork and kicking techniques. The lot was split into two - kickers and holders. The holders were to form two spaced out lines, each row facing a different direction. From there the kickers will performed a series of kicks while running down the two rows. 3 sets each leg of low turning, 2 sets each leg of slamming and another 3 sets each side of low turning follwed by slamming whereby the holders will alternate themselves in the way they hold the handmitt. That's what I can remember in my half-drowsy state. Yes, I was half-drowsy by then. I took off my shoes and socks during the front part, afraid that my shoe will come off halfway, and that was a mistake. It caused me blisters on both my feet so I decided to put on my shoes for the rest of the kicks. By that time, I believe everyone was really exhausted. We were motivated by being asked "Who is this challenge for?" and I think we all answered "For myself!" Finishing that station and sharing among the lot, the little water we were given, we continue to jog or at least attempt at jogging upslope back to SRC area.

We reached the slope of Nanyang house and we were asked to sprint up the slope to complete the run for UC and reach the finale. Guess what the finale was? Haha. We are suppose to break planks. The sprint was terrible... I believe I didn't even sprint. My legs felt leaded already and I think the most I did was to run. Reached the top of the slope, I think I cannot even focus my sight already. Saw someone holding a plank. Did a long turning kick with my right. First kick and the plank broke. I was really proud of myslef. Perhaps to many it was no great feat but that was my first time trying to break a plank and I did it in my first attempt, one kick, the plank broke. I completed UC!!!

Maybe it didn't take as serious a toll on my body as when I joined Race Adventura when I had very bad muscle cramps. Probably I have learnt how to prepare my body better for a physically demanding activity. But I guess the difference is that, I think I truly felt motivated to carry on, to complete UC without saying "I want to give up" without giving up no matter how much it occured to me, no matter how tired I felt. UC - approx. 5.5km, average of 700 kicks - completed in about 5hr 26min.

"pa-ace!"

Goodbye My Lover -James Blunt

2007-09-08T13:48:00.000+08:00

Goodbye My Lover -James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Happen to hear this over the radio and thougt the lyrics sounded nice. So there goes.

Didn't get into main com for tkd

2007-09-02T16:33:00.001+08:00

Ranting...

I was trying for main committee in tkd as a welfare assistant. I thought the interview went quite well and thought that I will have a chance. I was too complacent and totally gave up my chance to get into the main committee for Mountaineering Club. Thinking that if I so happen to get into the main comm for both, I would not be able to catch up with my academic work which I am already struggling with now, given my already poor 'A' Level grades.

In the end, I didn't get into the main committee for tkd. Though I have to agree that the girl who got the welfare assistant post deserves it, as she had been the vice president in her previous cca and she also has a really nice personality. The people selected in the main committee would have already been informed by sms. I didn't get an sms, so I already know I didn't get it. Yet, it came as a surprise as she was sitting beside and chatting with me when they announced the committee members. I didn't know she applied for it. However, thinking about it, I think her nice personality has shone through and hence she is deserving of that post.

So next year, I don't know if I will still be able to stay in hostel.

I think being selected into a main committee would reflect that your qualities are recognised. For I thought that I had commendable qualities being selected as prefect and in the main com back in secondary school, now I seriously have my doubts. Successfully being booted out of being selected into the main committee twice, and consecutively, my confidence is faltering... and faltering at a higer rate at this second time. I keep thinking that the fact lies not in my qualities not being recognised, but lies in that I have no quality. For the lost of faith in my confidence, I compare then and now, there is truth when I say, I am more afraid to stand out now, more afraid to voice my opinions. I don't want to turn into a silent mouse. I need a boot up in confidence... can someone help?

Hall 13 Orientation Camp

2007-08-20T11:14:00.000+08:00

Hall 13 Orientation Camp (Group: Odin)

Realise it has been quite sometime since I blogged. I am pretty busy recently, plus there is a need to adapt to the new environment and lifestyle... I had my Hall 13 Orientation camp more than 2 weeks ago and I think it is an experience worth blogging... so here goes.

I only joined the Orientation camp on the 1st August although it started on the evening of the 29th of July. Ah!!! Hang on, before you jump into any conclusions about me wanting to wriggle myself out of those dirty games, you are wrong. My reason for being absent is that I had driving lessons and on the 31st July, I had my driving test. Yes!!! I was lucky enough to get an easy test route (no. 8) and I passed with 12 points deducted. HAPPY!!!

Ok back to Hall Camp. Basically, 1st August, we had this game called "Amazing Race". It was just as good as participating in Adventure racing except that it has less components. We were made to run/jog/walk from NTU all the way to some chalet at East Coast, only taking two short bus rides in the whole journey. Played games at those stations. I think the most memorable part of this whole game is during the last part. We had to run from Paya Lebar to that chalet ok! we saw the team behind us caught up with us at our last station at Paya Lebar... so we decided to run. My group was really cute in the sense that they made one of of group mates who couldn't catch up sit in this supermarket trolley they took from somewhere and pushed her all the way to the chalet. Along the way, they went like "Gear 1, ok, change to Gear 2, 3, 4..." I thought that was really funny and nice of them.

Yeah... as my dear friends would know how lousy my stamina is and how I am not really dependent on power gel (Okok... I would say I need those for adventure races!!!), I got calf cramp. It was really irritating because we were already at East Coast Park when the cramp worked in. So towards the end, I only kind of jog/walk. Totally hate it. Anyway, there was this nice "AhBeng" who is our group umpire, accompanied me on the last bit. We talked a bit of crap about marathons and stuff. He was really nice and decided to cheat a little by stopping the timing a little earlier. Saw him smoking and heard he drinks a lot, plus that dragon tattoo on his calf... doesn't make him look like any goody-two-shoes, yet I think he's really nice. Touched. :)

So the conclusion of the race is that we came is as one of the top two teams and are actually allowed to sleep in the chalets... but somehow our group was caught using maps so in the end, with the penalty, we were made to sleep in tents. I don't know about the rest, but it is not a big deal of a penalty to me... if you ask me, I would rather sleep in a spacious tent, overlooking the sea than to cramp in a chalet, sleeping in uncomfortable positions.

The next day, we played 食字路口. Again, we went all over Singapore to try food. This time it wasn't that tough because we get to take trains around. That night, we had our fright night. They drove us in a lorry to this deserted HDB estate near Lim Chu Kang area. It used to be 3-story HDB flats surrounding a market place. There was no electricity supply, the windows were removed and there were big holes around 1mx1m connecting the apartments. We were made to walk in pairs across each level of the HDB flat and enter the rooms to gather clues. The seniors tried to frighten us. I believe I had enough of IJ Fiesta back in secondary school days to stop me from screaming. There was a point in which we were sitting at a table to obtain a clue and when the game master shouted at us to go, and we started to leave, there were hands grabing at our ankles from the bottom of the table. My partner jumped out from his seat, making the seniors laugh. Another funny part was that my partner went down to the second floor thinking we still have to search for clues, we mistakenly entered this room where other freshies are still playing. we felt quite embarrassed to spoil their station. That was the fright night. The location was enough to raise some goosebumps but I think any IJ girl who went for Fiesta games will just be as calm as I am, knowing that the seniors are just trying to frighten us.

I did not join my group to Sentosa on Friday as I wanted to attend some talks. That "AhBeng" was trying to persuade me to go. Apparently I heard that he was the vice-president of the Hall Camp... :) Anyway, comes Friday night in which I had the most horrifying experience in Hall Camp. Friday night was Initiation Night. The name doesn't suggest anything. When I first heard it, I was like "What the crap is initiation nigh?" and the answers were either "I don't know" from the freshies or "You will find out" from the seniors.

Ok, so it turned out this way, we were suppose to be blind-folded and play station by station. First station, they told us that we have to crawl through this shit tunnel. I think it turned out to feel like I am just doing leopard-crawls across smelly and dirty canvas sheets. Next we went on to walk around and suddenly someone just said "Fold you arms across your chest"(the person was standing quite close I believe, and his breath smelled like a smoker's... I was trying to withdraw my face away), suddenly, someone pushed me and I just fell back. There were people below that caugh me.

Next is the most disgusting station and until now, I can still feel my skin crawl. We were suppose to touch something and guess what it is. There were meal worms, snails, millipedes, spiders, crab and FROG. Damn it!!! I was alright with the meal worm and was playing with them on my hands, they carried on to put them on my neck. It's ok, so long as it does not fall into my shirt. I heard one of my friend went to grab a handful and got extremely freaked out when the worms start wriggling around. The snail was actually VERY slow. Even when I touched it's slimey body, it did not retract. The crab stinks and I don't have much comment on the other creatures except FROG! DAMN IT!!! At that instant, I screamed, felt like puking, fainting, crying... but nothing like that happened. I just couldn't stop complaining and wiping my hands on the ground, on railings whatever after I touched the frog. I think I can still imagine it on my hand... (flicks my left hand).

Other stations include, guessing songs, digging into toilet bowl with things in it, pretending we were drinking another group's saliva when it was only flour water, sliding down a very long and steep slope, carrying our group leader and dashing up a few flight of stairs with a lit candle trying to prevent it from extinguishing while people hose us down. I think it was really fun, except for the damn frog.

On the last day, there wasn't much that happened except that we had a group outing and then we went to Home club. It was booked by my Hall and we had the secret pal night. I don't have an actual secret pal and so I was assigned one. Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?) my secret pal is a pageant... so we kind of got sabo-ed quite a bit. The forfeit was super embarrassing. The emcee gave us a Tequilla shot and after dabbing salt and lemon from the drink on his neck, I am suppose to lick the salt and drink the shot in one gulp. What an outrageous thing to do. *FAINTED* Clubbed a little more (my first time clubbing). We were dancing halfway, then a group of guys including that AhBeng VP started to try stripping one another. They got their shirts stripped off and thrown around. My goodness. But the most was only a belt. Some of my group mates decided to continue clubbing at Zouk while the super tired me took a cab home alone.

That's my Hall Orientation Camp.
Perhaps will upload pictures soon.

Hall 13

2007-08-01T09:27:00.000+08:00

I am like typing this in my hostel room... so I think anyone can infer that I actually moved in to my hostel already. The bed in small and the study desk is big. Alright, maybe the desk is not as big compared to Yuting's hostel's.

What I still lack in my room is a cushion for my chair. And I am already eyeing one... Yeah... I believe some people can already guess. The cushion I am eyeing is the blue squid one sold at MiniToons. Apparently, there is only pink available. So I am waitin for the blue one to come in. But maybe I will buy both pink and blue. Perhaps I will also need to bring a larger mug here.

I signed up for standard chartered marathon yesterday. This year, I will be trying for the 21.1km run. I think it is a big challenge for me and just reminding myself of it will spur me to exercise. Otherwise, I think I will just gain even more weight without PE lessons now.

I miss AJ ODAC trainings. Since uni lessons will be starting next week, I believe chances of going back to train with the juniors will be lesser. It is a shame that I still cannot remember all my juniors by name until now. Perhaps, I will after the next expedition that I go with them.

Second Grading 08-07-07

2007-07-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

Hmmz, just had my second grading yesterday. Mum drove and dropped me off at Toa Payoh Sports Hall. Thanks a lot... really appreciate it. I believe it must have been due to my childish grumbles over the pass few weeks. Too childish to mention here and embarrass myself. But sure enough, I am not very pleased with my own attitude.

I was walking towards the entrance when I saw the Pri 2 girl cry. I asked her why she was crying and she shook her head, in the end she relented and told me that she can't find her dad. I had to cheer her up by saying that there is no parking space so her dad has to go around looking for one so may take some time. In the end, she broke into a smile when we spotted her dad. She said her dad wears a red shirt... there was a whole bunch of people wearing red shirt for identification purposes! Haha. Anyway, it made me reflect on how when I was a child, I would also feel really insecure when my parents are not in sight.

As for my grading, I was really nervous and I think i was shaking all over. I think my side kicks still looked funny. My peers said I did well, yet I wasn't totally relieved by their comments. Anyway, Drina obtained a junior black belt. Drina's brother failed and Sylvia nearly did as well. As for me, I obtained a Double. That means I skipped a level (skipped yellow belt) and now I moved from 9th Geup (yellow tip) to 7th Geup(green tip). Definitely I feel happy but then, I don't know why the sense of happiness is only so mild. Perhaps, I was more concerned over the other's reactions, since I am the only one from the club who got a Double. And the brown belts have to claim that this is the first in their whole time in the club. I know that Joelle really wanted a double very badly, Drina's brother failed and Sylvia was embarrassed by the kids because they kept pointing at her and saying "You're the failure" before Wong-sir announced the results. Hence, I was in an embarrassing situation. I think it is only polite to appear neutral and not overjoyed by the news. Yet, until now, I can't whoop in joy.

I don't know why... I am feeling down now... for no apparent reason.

It's Not suppose to feel this way!

2007-06-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

It's Not Suppose to feel this way...

How come it feels like I am doing something wrong? How come there is a feeling of guilt? How come I feel afraid? How come I feel timid? How come I feel like I shouldn't be "feeling" that way...

こうして　むずかしいですか？

Then why am I feeling this way?

"The truth always whispers in the ear of the deceiver."
-Paul Graves

Greenish Blue and Coppery red highlights

2007-06-08T18:13:00.001+08:00

I just got home from the hairdresser! Yeah... I highlighted 3 strands of reddish copper and 3 strands of greenish-blue. He started out by bleaching 3 strands for the blue, put me under the steaming machine for some time and then washed my hair. I have mistaken that after bleaching, my hair will turn white, instead, it turned out to be a shade of light blond. After which he highlighted the blue and the copper. Steam and Wash again. After blowing dry, we realised that the blue did not get in the hair. It was greenish blond in colour. I think I must have looked like a sick peacock! Despite that I think the copper turned out pretty well. It is a different shade from the copper I got last time. This time it is more reddish than gold. Anyway, so he re-did the blue. After half an hour, wash again. Blow dry and the result this time is greenish blue colour. I was sitting at the shop for nearly three hours so decided that I won’t insist on getting that shade of blue I want. Now the colours are like Fe3+, Cu2+, Fe2+ add to sodium hydroxide...Haha... I am quite ok with it.

I must have broken my own record today by having my hair washed 4 times! I washed them once in the morning and 3 times at the hairdresser's.

Sampling OSake

2007-06-08T18:11:00.000+08:00

I went out to eat dinner with my parents yesterday and met Changtai and Cheeyong at AMK HUB. They ended up eating dinner with my family at Ichiban Sushi. I must agree that it has been a dooper long time since I last saw them both. It must have been at least a month or more. Apparently I think Changtai was too happy to see me that he tried to give me a friendly hug... I have to dodge ridiculously away from his spread-eagle arms because my mum was eye-ing my direction when I tolsd her I would go talk to my friends. After I explained to Changtai, he was apologetic but still joked that my mum will keep pestering me about "Who is that guy?" *Fainted* I’m glad that his sense of humour is still there. And for that, I missed him and the Odac times when I would see him almost everyday of the week.

So after the two of them left, my dad decided to order some sake. I drank a few cups of sake too. The sensation of downing a cup is like an exothermic reaction! Hot! However I believe the alcohol content to be very little. My face didn't even turn a shade of pink, not to even mention getting drunk.

Blue Highlights?

2007-06-05T23:24:00.001+08:00

I have decided to highlight my hair blue. Yes BLUE, you have not read it wrongly. I have asked my hairdresser to order blue dye already so there is no turning back. He will be bleaching it first before highlighting which means that my hair will be bleahced white, then highlighted blue. And this also implies that it will become pretty dry. I am like more worried about the blue hairs fading to become white hairs next time and if I can still swim as often after I become a "blue-head". So to keep it to minimum damage, I decided to highlight instead of dying my whole head blue.

I believe you must find this action of mine pretty bazaar/ havoc/ crazy but you see... when we were in school, we were not allowed to dye our hair. Being the "kiah-si" me, I have to abide by the rules. In the future when we are working, do you think the society is libearal enough to hire "blue-hair" workers? Or whether the boss will be pleased by the "blue-hair" apearance, especially so if you are working in the frontline (maybe sales manager or people who meet clients or even professionals who have to make speeches in front of many people). So I believe this is the time and further more, my parents have no complaints.

I was wondering if I should highlight my hair
1) blue AND copper (new copper highlights)
2) just blue only, keeping my old copper highlights.
Also whether I should HIGHLIGHT blue for
1) The fringe part only
2) the whole head

Hope to hear some opinions from my friends before getting the highlights end of this week. So if anyone who would be interested to be the first few to view my new hair colour, please meet soon! :)

"Cancer" by My Chemical Romance

2007-05-28T12:54:00.000+08:00

"Cancer" by My Chemical Romance

A very touching song from "The Black Parade". The song reflected how frightening and saddening cancer can be. I have included the lyrics and a music video I got from youtube. Enjoy and treasure life.

Turn Away
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favourite colours
My sisters and my brothers still
I will not kiss you
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
Now turn away
'Cause I'm awful just to see
My hairs abandoned all my body
Oh my agony
Know that I will never marry
Baby I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say
Goodbye today
I'd ask you to be true
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you

The Black Parade- My Chemical Romance

2007-05-28T11:55:00.000+08:00

The Black Parade- My Chemical Romance

1. The End
2. Dead!
3. This Is How I Disappear
4. The Sharpest Lives
5. Welcome to the Black Parade
6. I Don't Love You
7. House of Wolves
8. Cancer
9. Mama
10. Sleep
11. Teenagers
12. Disenchanted
13. Famous Last Words
Hidden Track: Blood

HMV and MCS visit

2007-05-25T17:20:00.000+08:00

My lessons are in orchard and they end at 1230. There is a class gathering supposedly at 1900 at orchard too. And I was quite bothered about how I shall use the time in between. Going home to slack and come back to Orchard later in the evening doesn't seem to be a wise option. In the end, this was how I spent the day

After lessons, I went down to HMV to kill time. I was going around to those cd stands whereby there are headphones attached to listen to different cds. That is really not a good choice. The more I listen, the more cds I want to buy. Following is a list:
1) Hamasaki Ayumi's "A Best White"
2) Hamasaki Ayumi's "A Best Black"
3) BoA's "Made in Twenty [20]"
4) Lee Jun Ki's "My Jun, My Story"
These are all on the charts for Korean/Japanese Songs
5) Rain's "Rain's Coming"
6) My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade"
7) Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight"
8) Coldplay
9) Maroon 5
In the end, I couldn't resist myself and ended up buying My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade". After which I quickly got away from HMV to avoid more temptation to spend money buying cds. However, I am enjoying the cd I bought this very moment. Many nice songs.

It was just slightly pass 1430 when I decide to go back to my primary school since I saw a banner some time ago indicating that today was their open house. On my way back, I received a call from Sheryl saying that the mini class gathering today is cancelled. I was really quiet because it seems like I was the only one on the bus talking and I must have sounded very loud. I could nearly feel the commuters' eyes on me.

Anyway, get to meet Mrs Khoo, Mrs Ng, Mdm Zhang and Ms Tien (in the order of the time spent speaking to them). Naturally I spoke more to my Pri 6 teachers, Mrs Khoo and Mrs Ng. I learnt that Mrs Khoo now has a younger daughter who's one year younger than her son and I felt really honoured when she told me that she named her daughter after me. She named her daugher XiLing. WOH! I was really too shocked for words. Fainted can!

Now I am back home, blogging and listening to The Black Parade Track 6 "I Don't Love You" The lyrics is nice. Shall post it the next time if possible.

June Exp 07, Go?

2007-05-24T09:13:00.000+08:00

The juniors are going to have an expedition this June... which so happens to be next Friday. I attended the briefing for the trip and it sounds so exciting. They will be summiting two mountains Berembun and Cemerong. Visiting two waterfalls and watching sunrise on one of them. Then kayak down the meandering river with crocodiles and piranahs. Right, joking... there were'nt sightings of these two dangerous creatures before. Still... this is so So SO EXCITING!!!

But oh well... I have my considerations and worries and I shall list them below.

1) The cost of the trip is $498 and now I am not being subsidised by the school. Yes, I understand that I have been working but still it is not a samll sum to pull out. On top of that, some money earned have to put aside for the sponsoring of the courses that I signed up for.

2) I don't know if I am fit enought for the expedition and I am not good at kayaking. Plus it seems like none of my batch mates are going. I think my senior is going but I guess I will still feel more comfortable with my batch people. The mountains are not that high yet, at 800m and 1016m above sea level. Shorter or about Belumut's height but two mountains in two days. Can I make it?

3) Some of my courses fall on the expedition dates. I have to check out if I can make up for those lessons missed. If they can't be change, I would not be able to go for it.

4) I told my parents about it and my mum kept quiet about it while my dad asked me not to go. He's always discouraging me to go for expeditions although I always end up persuading them to let me go and I would come back safely in one piece.

Meiying is persuading me to go so she doesn't have to pair with Miss "Apple" since she is the only one from her batch. Jingxin says I should go since I would enjoy the fun and ask me to persuade my batch mates to go as well. Yet my ultimate persuasion comes from myself. My love for jungle trekking and this expedition sounds SO EXCITING! Will get to touch soil and tree brunches, feed leeches (not like I enjoy it but it is cute to poke at them, see them grow fat on your skin, and then squirm when you spray repellant on them), feel the cool air and the water spray on my face near the waterfall, see the beautiful sunrise, attempt eating the clouds, have the company of people going through the same physical and mental stress yet enjoying it all at the same time. How now? I have to reply Mr Chin on Sunday.

back from belumut again

2007-05-06T16:58:00.000+08:00

I am back from Belumut, a second time. For those who are concerned, thanks a lot for that and yor messages. Your well wishes are precious to me. I am back safe and sound, no injuries save a few scratches on my knee and muscle aches all over as of today.

Eh, apparently I think I am not as fit as last time. The trek was tiring. But we still made it despite our fatique. Bag-pull-ed with Hazel- meaning we put our stuff in one bag and take turns to carry. We had 4.5L of water equivalent to 4.5kg since density of water is 1kg/mcube and 1mcube of water makes one litre. We also packed in our stuff like bread, Hazel's extra sandals, towel, torch and other stuff. It is heavy alright, considering the fact that we were climbing a mountain of route 6km and height 110m. Drink was insufficient and we both felt that we are not really as fit as we should be. But I believe my jungle trekking skills are still there... I can still find my footing easily for downhill and can still jump over fallen tree trunks and heave myself up some heights. But to summarise, I still find my fitness level not up to standard. Oh yes, and I got to become acquainted with the juniors though I can't say that I know them all by looks yet. All in all,the trip was quite enjoyable and I am glad to be a source of motivation, despite all my crap-talk.

I intend to train more often. So Yuting, please be prepared for more motivational jogging sessions. I believe you will look forward to them, hopefully.

small,big,far,near

2007-05-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

I was so small
Compared to my dreams that seem too big
I didn't realise I was so far
Because I was looking too near

My steps may be small
But my heart is big
My goal may be far
But I will hold my dreams near

Sorry & Self-pity

2007-04-26T11:09:00.001+08:00

“Sorry” is a difficult word to say. But I just the real difficulty lies in saying it with true pure sincerity. I guess most of the time people say “sorry” to ease themselves from guilt and to make themselves feel better. It is more like saying it for themselves and not for the second party. Of course, this happens unconsciously mostly.

Sometimes I think the on we should say “sorry” TO is ourselves, followed by our immediate families. We sometimes hurt or harm ourselves with or without knowing. The common ones like the use harmful substances, otherwise depriving ourselves of food or over-working our body. It hurts our health and are we in the right to be doing such? So not only are we sorry to our own self but also our parents and people who took pains to bring us up.

Yet, on the other hand, I guess the one we are always truly sorry ABOUT is again ourselves. Self-pity was one emotion I strongly didn’t believe I possessed 2years ago. To think about it now, perhaps it has been there all the time. The thought of ‘I am always the victim’ never ceased to fill my thoughts without me knowing it, whenever I feel bitter, sad, angry, jealous or even disappointed. It is one emotion that will cause negative characters such as being selfish, un-caring and un-thoughtful. But of course, are we constantly aware of its existence?

No offence to anyone, I am just typing this entry to remind myself to say “sorry” with sincerity to the party I have hurt and not to lessen the burden of my own guilt and fall into self-pity. I would have to lay down my own ego and say it from my heart without any tinge self-pity involved.
For now, to whom do I sincerely feel sorry towards?

Sparring

2007-04-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

My first sparring was done with Joelle who is 1 Geup higher than me. Wong-sir said I was panicky. Joelle commented that my aiming was bad because I kicked at her neck in which I think may be a foul. Well, Wong-sir said no hitting face and no hitting under the belt. She also claimed that I caused a bruise on her shin. Anyway, I lost this sparring because I fell when Joelle pushed me while blocking. Joelle also said that I was kicking very hard but the fact is that I was controlling my strength in case I hurt her. I realized my ankle was swollen when I got home. I must have felt really stressed up by my first sparring as I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of the sparring. Should I have used strength? What if I hurt my opponent? After all they are so much younger than me.

My second sparring was done with Jing Wei who is 3 Geup higher. I appreciate the fact that she corrects me and give me tips when I was executing my patterns during the previous lessons. As I understand that she is a tough person, this sparring was more relax. At least I know she will be able to block my bows adequately and is able to take it if I manage to hit her. Wong-sir said I should not move around so much but just stand steady and wait for my opponent to come and when the opponent comes, I attack. At the start of the sparring, I tried a turning kick, Jing Wei dodged and I lost my balance and fell flat on the ground which caused a bruise on my knee. It was quite a funny sight. Then I got up and continued. I managed to execute blocks this time, which was an improvement. I also kicked her left arm with a loud thud and it was scary so I apologized immediately. Then some “senior” shouted “Don’t say sorry!”

I didn’t volunteer for my third sparring session. Wong-sir picked me and Sylvia to be the first pair to spar. Wong-sir said this time I am less panicky this time. He corrected my blocks and asked me to keep my fist clenched during a block. Sylvia also said I caused a bruise on her shin. No injuries on me this time.

There is this “senior” that comes occasionally. I don’t know how old is he and I don’t exactly know his rank. He is at least a 2nd Geup. During my first few lessons, Joelle said that this senior doesn’t know his stuff too well but still likes to correct people. From what I heard, my impression of him was that he is some stuck up person. Apparently, last Sunday’s training while we were practicing kicks, he came and gave a lot of guidance and corrected our kicks. Although some people may think that he should not be telling us what to do, I really didn’t mind him asking me to do my kicks again and correcting me. At least I know how to do them properly while Wong-sir is busy. Then during break, he was teaching Jing Wei and I how to do the jump kick which is of quite an advance level. Wong-sir came to say that we want to learn how to run before learning how to walk. The senior told Wong-sir that we are doing the kicks better than the other higher rank people. I don’t know for sure if my kicks were really that good. The people he was referring too were showing him attitudes when he was correcting them. So there is a possibility that he is getting back at them.

Happy Birthday Jun Ki!!!

2007-04-17T10:00:00.000+08:00

“Today is JK’s birthday.” Oh gosh… how many times have I used this phrase to cheer myself up today already? Considering the fact that it is only 9.40 am now. I am not in the best of moods these few days. There was so little activity last week, and what’s more… there is no training. But it doesn’t matter, training resumes today! I heard we may be sparring today!!! And we probably will get to know the grading results. I can’t wait for training later!

As I was saying, I wasn’t in the best of moods. So what do I do when I am not feeling happy? I go to my “paradise” to de-stress. It is not really paradise… just that I enjoy going there alone to chill. So I packed my stuff after completing house cleaning, and I went to my little “paradise” to feel the sun on my ears and shoulders. Spending around 2 hours there from 12.50 to 3 pm, I got a “more-than-good” tan! Haha… self-proclaimed “white-chicken” Shenglong is going to be jealous. I didn’t apply sun-block as usual, but I normally spend about an hour there or perhaps not at those hottest hours of the day! I even got sun burn on my back which was usually not very common. Nevertheless, it won’t deter me from going there again at that time to de-stress. In fact I would rather have a sun blazing hot day than to have a grey weather when I go there.

Happy Birthday Jun Ki. :)

First Taekwondon grading. Is it a friendship worth saving?

2007-04-09T10:57:00.000+08:00

Sunday… grading just happened so quickly. It was over before I really know it started. The only thing I remembered about my pattern was that I put focus into my kicks. Looking around the hall, so many people from other organizations were doing their patterns so beautifully… I doubt I will be getting 8th Geup this time. I am not even sure if the examinar watched my moves. The earliest I will know the results is 17th April. Yeps. 17th April is also his birthday… my favourite 3rd Dan person’s birthday… hope his birthday brings me some luck. I want to get a double in this grading so I can feel closer to him! Logically that is not possible of course.

Recently, I had some problems with certain friends.

Ok, I wasn’t even close to this person to even call her my friend. I tried to get to know her better so many times, but she is very selective on the people. I don’t really like her attitude and many aspects of her character. She tries to act much younger her age and the thing is she thinks it is amusing to be this way. It stings sometimes she just shoots her mouth off without thought and how she overly-prefers to be associated with certain people under her personal formula of classification. I don’t even know if she is aware of her own caste system. Why should we only be friendly to people who are popular or cool? What about people worth being friends with but are not that “cool”? Probably the fact that I always feel very left out when she is around makes me rant so much about her and brews my little dislike of her. Sometimes I think she is not worth my efforts… after all, she doesn’t seem to respond to them. I don’t know… there is still a possibility of me seeing her in the wrong light all along. There must be something about her in which allows her to proclaim the many people she calls her friends and the other way around. There used to be a reason for me to get to know her better but now the reason is gone. And so, I think now I shall just give up.

This other problem with someone else is more hurting… at the very least, it seems we used to be close for a considerable period some time ago. I seriously don’t understand what has happened. Probably we both grew up and headed different paths, different interests. The connection between has vanished into thin air. Many things she would disagree with me now, then it appears as if she doesn’t understand my feelings, doesn’t empathize. The worse is that I think she doesn’t even want to give a damn about how I would feel. I regret that I keep having this lingering feeling that everything was about her; our conversations were only about her and what concerns her. How can we withhold a friendship that only goes one way? Then I think I just withdrawn. It became tiring to keep her in touch when it seems like I am the one that has to accommodate to her interests. I was giving and giving in; she was receiving without sensing. My feelings felt neglected … it didn’t feel good. I treasured and missed what it was like before, yet I know “before” won’t be coming back. At least it won’t come back in a whole; part of it was already gone forever. Damage was already made but one day I will forget, and one day our paths may meet again. Then, we will have a common interest once again and what we discuss will again be a pool with breadth and depth. But that is only when you change and I clean forget. Till then, even when you embrace me when we meet, I think can’t hug you back like I mean it. I’m sorry, but secretly, I hope you are too.

I just had a random thought:
If you feel everyone is giving you problems, the problem may after all be you.
Not everyone is giving me a problem right now... but then thinking about it, my problems may all along lie in me. I promise I will be reflecting about this!

Preparing for 1st Taekwondo Grading

2007-03-28T09:56:00.000+08:00

ARGH!!!

I don't know whether to feel happy or nervous... I only left with two more lessons before my first grading. I want to train everyday from today on. Need someone to kick my ass off the bed every morning when I switch off my alarm.

Grading is on 8th April. Meanwhile I am still stiff and using too much force. I need a big mirror to train. Or else how would I know if I have executed the patterns "gracefully"/ properly?

OH! Imagine the horror yesterday night when I opened the attachment in my email! I saved the html of my old blogskin and sent it as an attachment to my own email. When I opened it from my email, instead of html codes, it was the old page itself! So apparently there are some stuff that I would have like to transfer to my new blog that is going to dissapear!!! Curses!

New orange summer blogskin

2007-03-27T16:35:00.000+08:00

Hello!

How's the new blog skin? Yeps, I decided to change my sponge bob blogskin since it is quite old and also because the box is too small to see the whole you-tube window. Haha. I was quite put off when I couldn't see the 'One Word' video from my blog and have to double-click to get another window.

Anyway, now I am still figuring out how I can make my picture under my profile smaller so i can fit it nicely without having it jutting out. Apprently I forgot the website whereby they will match colours with the html code so nowI am relying heavily on my memory for those html codes. So please bear with the orange and white...

Oh yes, I was initially considering this blogskin versus another one with green boarders on a white background. I tried out the green one but the html wasn't working out properly so in the end I used this orange one instead. I was thinking that a green and white page won't be too hurting on the eyes but too bad...

There are still certain things I would like to add to my blog... but I'm still considering whether it is necessary.

Oh yes... under 'Hangouts' There is a link called ScriptoPaedic( http://scriptopaedic.blogspot.com )It is some story along the lines of common korean dramas/ taiwanese idol dramas/ typical drams (or whatever you call them) that I am working on. Well, writing that story is like some sort of entertainment and helps to kill time in the office without having me looking like a downright slacker. Please do have a look and leave a comment. Even though I am not a professional writer, I hope that ScriptopPaedic would have a higher readership!

One Word- Lee jun Ki

2007-03-20T14:01:00.000+08:00

I think recently I must have become obsessed with Lee Jun Ki. All thanks to Yu Ting's VCD! Well, I cannot deny that I already liked Lee Jun Ki when I first saw him on a magazine... now I am think I am obsessed after watching "My Girl". Lee was only a supporting actor in this show but I think apart from his dashing looks, his acting is more than good. He can act especially well for sad scenes: he doesn't even need to cry. The sadness just disperse out from the television screen. His eyes will be swollen and red but he is still not crying yet. Awsome.

I just found a video on youtube. It is called "One Word" by Lee Jun Ki. The song is a sad one. Feel this little nudging sadness after listening. Sigh... why must Lee Jun Ki mesmerise me like that? Someone save me out from this!

Songs I want

2007-03-16T13:24:00.000+08:00

My work station is located such that I am surrounded by doors. People I work with are busy and blocked away by these doors, so i am glad to have a radio and msn as company. So I have been listening to many songs especially on 987fm. And I realise thatthere are some nice off-chart/ on-chart songs which I don't have in my computer. Shall just put their title here in this blog as reference next time.

No Promises- Shayne Wade
Where'd you Go- Fort Minor
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Fergilicious- BEP

If I find out more, I will add.

19th birthday

2007-03-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

So yeps... 9th March came and went. I dislike 9th march. Hence I dislike my birthday. Yes, probably there are some friends out there who understands that I dislike my birthday and they tried really hard to change my mindset. Thanks for the effort but this mindset of mine is not easy to change. Because I appreciate your effort so this year, I tried to go with the flow of my friend's plans to make my birthday less dislikeable.

Throughout the day and even before it, I told myself that I will enjoy 9th March and I will keep away thoughts of dislike for that day. I even went to take leave from work and made a plan to cheer myself up and distract myself from thinking that it is a miserable day. Alright, I have to agree that taking a day off from the monotony of work and meeting people I miss is comforting but the day just didnt work out too well... towards the end.

0900
Met Cynthia at Macs to have breakfast and chat. Oh yeah and she sang a birthday song for me at Macs... what an honour to have choir ex-president to sing in public for me! She gave me a cute snow-globe with a cat in a tub inside it. It is now a lovely decoration on my table at home.
1030
Left for Brandt Asia to visit my ex-colleages. Glad to see my two supervisors and Carol, "Uncle" Herman, Sam, TiongLin and the rest. There are 3 new additions to the company. Lilah commented that I looked like Bing. Gosh... Bing was the hot sexy babe who worked at Brandt last time.
1200
Watched Carol eat lunch while she treated me to Barley water. Carol said she doesn't think that I looked like Bing. I would really like to see Bing's photo! didn't get to really sit and talk with Veron. And Jenny was lunching at another shift.
1315
Left for Vivocity to wait there for Hazel. Waited for super long... but it is not surprising to wait for an Odacian from my batch. Walked around and bought some stuff.
1545
Hazel needs to go for an interview and I went to Newton to look for Mrs Tan. She looked genuinely pleased to see me. We had a chat about random things and when Iw as about to leave, she even gave me a slice of cake to take home.
1730
Went to Poh's house and she prepared steamboat for me! She bought many yummy stuff for the steamboat. So Poh, Dong and me ate dinner together. Later dad came to fetch me home.
1945
Reached home, slack around and wait for the ODACians who are supposed to be here at 1915 apparently.
2115
3 ODACians came and they bought me a rectangular fruit cake. I thought a lot of people were coming to my house that night. I can't lie and say I did not feel cheated or disappointed. But still, 3 is crowd. Myra, Cheeyong, Chingyi, they tried to light a birthday cake at the stairs but apparently I heard their commotion. They sang the Birthday song for me. I hope my neighbours are not disturbed haha. Myra had to leave shortly after. Then dad and mom went to pick Nik from guitar class and we played a few card games. Since it was late already, Cheeyong escorted chingyi to the busstop and so ends it. Oh yeah, they have gotten me a mug as a present. I needed a mug a few months ago as my dad insits that I get rid of the old one... and now I have it.
2200
My parents came back with a cake. It was a delicious cake- Belgium Chocolate and wine flavour.

I had a surprise celebration on 10th March. Yuting and I went to Weng's house after we visited NUS open house. I had suspected something was going but I didn't expect them to get a cake for me. The two of them said they had somethign to do outside the room... and I was packing my things. I sincerely thought they had something to do... Little did I know they came in with a cake. There goes the birthday song for the forth time. It was a peanut-buttery cake from Rive Gauche, though Weng claimed that it is Caramel cake. Then they gave me their presents which are really REALLY THOUGHTFUL. Yuting gave me a scrap book with our pictures while Weng bought me a nice silver-grey wallet (which reminds me of her prom dress) and she made a big felt cube with my name on it. I love the hand-made presents very much! As much as I would like to have the rest of the "usuals" to come and have fun, I really had a great time at Weng's house.

I received a Rive Gauche cheese cake 2 days before my birthday from WeiSheng. It was really nice of him to send it to my house after work. I will create an entry with pictures of these cakes I received soon.

Sounded like I had a great time, apart from waiting for people (notice that they are from the same group?) but that is not really the big issue. It seems like the irritating thing has to happen during my birthday. It happened last year and I was on the verge of tears while singing my own birthday song loudly enough to try to divert my thoughts. This year it happened again on my birthday but at least I only get to know about it a few days later. Totally dislike.

I really appreciated it that so many of my friends remembered my birthday and even went to the extent of wanting to celebrate for me. Even though, it didn't take 9th march off from my "dislike" list, I feel really glad that you people remembered this supposedly special day.

First Pay Check

2007-02-22T20:48:00.000+08:00

HeyHey.

I guess getting your very own first Pay Check is pretty memorable. I didn't get a check with my name printed on it for my first official part-time job. The very first check that I have gotten with my name on it was when I won some civics award back in secondary school. The second was winning an adventure racing competition. For my first temp job, I received popular vouchers. This time, I had the money banked into my account.

Well, EARNED MONEY. This is the first time I actually put in some effort to be exchanged for money. I can't say that I really put effort to win that civics award- the award was some surprise. As for the money from the adventure race, I didn't even really train super hard to win the race.

Hmm... this is the money I earned and i do what I like with it. Even if it means that I don't get to use any of it to buy myself a new jacket which I am really in need of, so long as it makes me happy, i think it is perfectly fine. So now, the money is more or less used up on non-material things which makes me happy. Maybe money can't buy happiness, but money can sometimes be exchanged to make you happy momentarily.

Momentary happiness is better than none. So why do we forget to treasure these short-lived momentary happiness to pursue for a hard-to-get eternal bliss? I think it is not wrong to seek eternal bliss but why overlook the momentary happiness? I want to treasure every bit :)

i want to update my playlist

2007-02-04T13:15:00.000+08:00

Getting a little tired listening to the osngs on my playlist. I want to add in more new songs. But where can I download them legally? Oh man. I can only think if buying those cds that i want.

Meanwhile, can only tuen in to radio.

Oh yes, I just got my hands on two dumb-bells. So doing some bit of weights at home recently. Feels good. Going to get nice muscular arms. Bye-bye flabs.

I want to work towards hotter buns and slimmer legs. How to? My legs are not flabby, but I still can't flaunt them... too muscular to be attractive.

I want to go hiphop-ping... but can't find a friend to go with. Not that it is necessary but it will definitely be more fun. Thinking of joining fitness first since there is one opening ear my place soon.

Tequila Sprite

2007-01-29T21:35:00.000+08:00

Gosh, must have been the ever latest time I came home without my parents driving me. Went out on saturday to meet up with a handful of ODAC people - namely, CheeYong, Shenglong, Van, Weilong, Changtai. Basically, got to see Shenglong, Weilong and Changtai bald. Actually, they are not exactly bald, they looked like they just adorned a crew cut. So what's the big fuss about walking around without a cap? Some people still look good in crew cuts, for instance Edison Chen. Wow, boyish charm with his blingbling stud and the crew cut adds maturity and seriousness.

So basically we sang at Cathay's kbox (yeah, can imagine your jaw dropping open and you saying "AGAIN?"but seripously, kbox is not my favourite hangout all the time). We all had a couple of drinks and experimented with some alcohol.Let me give a brief introduction:

Tequila Sprite
This is my order. It came in a glass of tansparent liquid with a slice of lime. There is no prickly feeling in the throat even when you down a mouthful of the drink. Probably the alcohol content is not very high. It has a hint of sweetness in it. There is also an occasional bitterness to it when about to swallow, which I guess is probably due to the lime.

Vodka Sprite
This is CheeYong's order. It taste somewhat similar to Tequila sprite, probably cos they are both sprites. However, this drink seems more light.
Whisky Coke
This is Shenglong's order. Probably more alcoholic. Although there isn't the gust through the nose, the throat gets somehow drier.

Brandy
This is Weilong's order and kind of funny. All our alcoholic drinks are mixed with carbonated soft drinks. Weilong asked for a brandy mixed with some soft drink but the waiter said they don't mix brandy. The shot of brandy came in a tiny glass and Weilong wanted to down it in one gulp. Vanessa stopped him, worried that he will get drunk if he just swallows the whole cup. Couldn't give any evaluation here as I didn't really try it. But, in the end, Cheeyong mixed the Brandy with his Vodka and no one became drunk.

Vanessa drank an interestingly colour drink. By the way she says it, I doubt it is alcoholic. the top layer is transparent and the bottom lingers a pinkish-red swirl. I had a sip of it and it tastes sour- not the citrous kind of sour. More like concentrated sour pineapples. That doesn't mean the taste is un-appealing. If you are someone who doesn't mind sour drinks that gives a tingling sensation even as it makes its way down your troat, then this drink is probably an option.

So much so for drinks. So far, I have been evaluating food and drinks, I feel like a critic. And it feels good... though sad to say, I am not a qualified one. Just personal opinions and likings, so if I offended anyone, please excuse me.

Canele 'Le Royale' Cake

2007-01-28T12:52:00.000+08:00

So Brandt Asia was celebrating Serene and Stephen's birthday and they bought this cake from Canele. It is so pretty and most improtantly, YUMMY! Manage to get a photo of the box left in the pantry.
A nearly finished 'Le royale' cake. It is so extremely delicious with thick coating of melty creamy chocolate layered by crunchy biscuit and topped with berries which comes with burst of sweetness. The chocolate is so good that it melts in your mouth with a fragrant after taste leaving a cool sensation on the tip of your tongue. Then it slides ever so smoothly down your throat and doesn't leave it dry and itchy like heaty chocolate. At this moment, I can rank it as my favourite cake.

The downside to it is that it is up a notch from the price of usual cakes and the only place I know to get it is from Robertson Walk. If you noticed under the title "dislikes" on my profile... yeah, I think this cake can change my opinion of my dislike.

Brandt Asia

2007-01-26T21:57:00.000+08:00

This is the Comtech where I work.
This is the Cotech as viewe from the lunch area. Looks like a condo right? Nice right?
This is Patrice the Manging Director and French in the company. Tall and charismatic- especially this photo when he is sipping wine.
This is Jenny and Veron, my two supervisors. They are nice, tolerating and funny too. The way Veron laughs is quite cute and she can go on laughing until she cries!
From the left, there is Jenny, Serene the Sales and Marketing manager and the extreme right is Carol! Serene gives very nice hugs and it is really very sweet of her to give me a Brandt bear. And Carol is the pretty self-proclaimed junk-queen in the office. Gosh, her hair is flowy and straight. Shampoo companies should be swarming towards her!

Well, I had a nice 10 days spent working at Brandt Asia doing filing and admin work. That's definitely not all the people I have worked with and also not everyone in the company. There is still TiongLing, Herman, Sam, Christina, Grace, Claudia, Doreen, Donna. And also Nicholas, Stephen and Lillah whom I have not communicated with. Lunch breaks are entertainingly funny talking about "fruits" and thinking of bigger "fruits". Other lame jokes are cracked too. There are also one or two ridiculous things I did which became the joke of the day/s. One of them include opening the door for someone by pressing on the company chop. To sum it up, I had fun working at Brandt Asia.

Birthday bash (21st Jan'06)

2007-01-26T21:19:00.000+08:00

Hopefully everyone had fun during the birthday bash- especially the birthday girls. Too bad we didn't get to go to Sentosa. I was actually looking forward to the sun shine, sea and sand. Partly, can't wait to dunk the jan birthday babes in the sea.

Wow, I've got to say that on the day itself I got a shock even before meeting the rest. I knew that I was going to be late and suddenly my phone's message ringtone came on non-stop. My message ring tone goes "beepbeep", and it sounds like I am getting horned at non-stop. Gosh! And as i read the messages one by one, I came to realise that the contents sent by different people are more or less on the same lines- late, you all go first, meet you all somewhere. So I was thinking to myself if everyone was to meet me somewhere else then where am I going to meet everyone else alone?

But, it turned out well, I manage to meet ruo, yuting, alicia and ellise at City hall MRT. Bought some flowers for the birthday babes too but it didn't change my opinion about me not being too good with handling flowers. So we trooped down to Marina Square to meet Sheryl and Weng, after which we had lunch at KFC. I think we are all pretty easy going; though it seems like there are a few opinions of where to eat, we actually manage to finalise our lunch place pretty quickly and peacefully. Maybe I shall explain myself here about my meal consisting of a medium whipped potato. Ehem, that is because I just recovered ( not fully though) from fever, so shouldn't be eating too much heaty food especially when my cough is still so bad.

So after lunch, we went to KBox and started singing and playing around. Yeps, have to agree that the place is real cold but still we are more or less enthusiastic which distracts us from the chills. I think it is really nice of us sharing jackets and passing them around. Oh yes, by the way, there is no such thing as "cannot sing" because I think everyone is comfortable with one another and so not shy to sing into the mic. And that is GREAT!

When yp came, I went to get the cake... So as usual, sang the birthday song for the trio, wish making, cut cake, eat cake. Unfortunately Dawn came a step late but nevertheless, there is still cake to eat. And there was the giving of presents which I thought was pretty cute, to ask the waitress to bring it in for yt.

So basically that's more or less about the January birthday bash. I had my share of fun. So I hope thos who came had theirs too! :)

Plan for Birthday Bash

2007-01-09T09:55:00.000+08:00

Okay, so it is January and the January girls have their birthday coming... We can take this as another excuse for an IJRCY batch gathering! Hey, hang on, I am sincere about celebrating their birthday too ok! It is their last teen birthday. So it is their last year to kid/ teen around!

Alright basically, I will update this entry quite often. So check the page for updates ok!
Last updated: 20th Jan

Date: 21st January(Sunday) 1145 Hours

Meeting place: Doulby Ghaut MRT's travelator
Destination: Sentosa beach/ Marina KBox

Main characters: Yu Ting, Yiping, Weng
Organiser: Of course that will be me! I need to recruit organising comm.
Guest:
- Xi’er
- Ruo Yun
- Ellise
- Dawn
- Sheryl Baey
- Alicia Ng (aka YT's mysterious guest)

Attire: T-shirt/ Tank-top, Shorts/ Berms (No Bikinis) Basically, anything comfortable.

Activities:
1) Meet at 1145hours, Doulby Ghaut MRT's travelator
2) Collection of birthday funds ($10)
3) Lunch (own $$)
4) Buy cake and snacks (from birthday funds)
- Main characters to choose the cake
5) Go to Sentosa
6) free and easy
- Sing Birthday song 19 times + Wish making + Cut BIG cake
(“BIG” cake depending on budget)
- Beach Volleyball (I have)
- Captain's Ball (use volleyball)
- Frisby? (I need to find)
- Throw main characters into the water
(So practise evacuation skills, otherwise we will all get wet)
- Sand Bath(We can half-bury main characters in sand)
- Talk ( thats what we always do)
- Discuss a batch name
(if we all agree to have a batch name)
- Truth or Dare (if we become too bored)
- Secret Number (aka 中级密码)
- Build Sandcastles

Logistics:
- Towel
- Extra change of clothes
- Water/ Drinks
- Jacket (optional)
- umbrella (optional)
- Sun Block/ Sun tan oil (optional)
- Playing cards (optional)
- Volleyball (me)
- Frisbee
- $$(for lunch and entry tickets/ wet weather programmes) + birthday funds!!!
- EZ link card
- Presents (optional)
- Well wishes (important and compulsory)
- Most importantly YOURSELF!!!

Food:
Basically we will eat lunch together. You have to pay for your own lunch.
We will be shopping for snacks to bring over to Sentosa. Costs for snacks bought will be used from birthday funds.

Budget:
- $30 cake
- $6 Sentosa Entry ticket for main characters
- $20 snacks?
Budget somehow seems enormous, even when split up among the guest. Any remainder from the funds will be divided and returned to guests.

Wet Weather Plan:
- K Box

If it happens to rain, there is a budget problem again. Main characters may have to pay for their own expenses such as KBox fees. Can be subsidised if there are extra birthday funds left.

Problems:
- Yet to finalise guest list ( I seriously need to confirm who's coming, so do just drop me an sms to confirm your attendence!!)

Alright, meanwhile I can sit back and relax with most of the planning done. Now just have to wait for 21st Jan to come which is tomorrow! So those who are suppose to turn up please turn up and bring the funds, then everything will go smoothly.

Driving lesson: subjects 9 and 10

2007-01-05T15:22:00.000+08:00

This morning, I went for my driving lesson 8, learning subjects 9 and 10. Basically subject 9 is about speed adjustment. It is broken down into (a) acceleration control (b) brake control (c) clutch control (d) gear shifting. the subject requirement being able to adjust speed on straight road and bends. Subject 10 is on traffic rules and it consists of (a) lane discipline (b) traffic light and signs (c) pedestrian crossing (d) yellow box (e) priority at intersections (f) passing intersection. the minimum requirement for the subject is to be able to understand/drive according to traffic regulations and signs.

I was suppose to meet Hazel before lesson. Meeting place is the pillar with disappearing plants. Anyway, she was late and texted me to go for lessons first. I met Jingxin again(don't even know if I spell correctly). Although I don't really know him well despite hearing Mr Lim mentioning him time and again, I think he is really friendly and has lots to share about driving. Thanks to him, I know how is my baby 110 different from some other cars.

Apparently, I got baby 110 today. Oh yes, I have to mention what I have learnt about her looks as told by Jingxin. Well, her outlook is different because she is the newer model. Her butt is squarish and sharp unlike the older models which have more rounded butts. Don't worry 110, I assure you that you are still as pretty as the rest.

Hmm, baby 110 is a bit grumpy today, or maybe it was my skills. She "died" (engine stalled) on me when moving off from a traffic light on a slope. How come your biting point is so far to find today? Even when I shift gear, you become so grumpy and jerky. Haha, probably you don't want my left foot to leave your clutch today. And babe, the last two times I know it is difficult to engage your first gear, then how come today third gear also hard to engage? Anyway, I am wondering if I get to see you on monday. If so, I hope you cheer up and get a good wash over the weekend. :)

Yeps, there were a few slopes on the road that I practised on today. First time trying out the handbrakes at slopes. What I've learnt is to keep the biting point, step on the accelerator and bring down the handbrake for moving off from the slope. Gosh. My engine stalled for most of the tries. But it is ok, it will improve, just like the other skills. Can't wait to drive again.

If you are curious about baby 110, the following are her pictures. Ooh, don't get too excited just because I included a picture of her butt. Haha. Presenting, babe 110!

2007-01-04T11:13:00.000+08:00

Today just hd my 7th driving lesson. I did subjects 8 and 9. Like yesterday, I took baby 110 out. I thought she was pretty stiff yesterday and I had to use a lot of strength. I must have gotten used to her today but still shifting to first gear took a bit more strength because 110's first gear is quite hard to engage. Anyway, went out on the road again. Today I think my gear shifting from 2nd to 3rd is better. Looks like I am improving. I think driving is really fun! I always feel good after driving lessons.

Oh yes. Today when I was driving on the road, there was this red Mercedes that horned at me! So irritated! Hello! Can't you see that there is an 'L' plate attached to the car. Mercedes doesn't mean you can look down on 'L' plate Honda Civics ok! I nearly blurted out "Walau! 按我喇叭！" like I always say - and my brother will burst out laughing. Ha! But luckily I controled myself from being too crude and just complained to my instructor that the Merc horned at me. The instructor told me to relax of course. He said the merc may not have seen the 'L' plate.

Alright, but before the red Merc incident, I did horn at some pedestrians jay-walking. Haha. Some guts. So I shouldn't be ranting too much on the red Merc. The important thing is to be alert but not affected by people horning at me. :)

Woohoo! Another driving lesson for me tomorrow!

Driving on the road

2006-12-30T13:25:00.000+08:00

Yay! I finally made it outside the circuit! I was driving on the road yesterday! It was really fun and I could increase my speed. But when it went too fast, I get a bit nervous. Argh. Apparently my breaking and stopping is still quite bad. Nevermind because it will get better when I practise more. Happy.

Grrr, I fell sick again. Don't worry it is just a common cold I guess. Plus the weather is really cold and I can't get enough jackets/sweaters. Someone lend me one please.

Meanwhile, trying to organise a gathering for IJRCY (my batch people). I was thinking tomorrow but seems like it is too sudden. So nevermind, how about next weekend? Most likely saturday 6th Jan since most of my replies have a preference for saturdays. Time is 1330 hours. Venue, we will set again when the date and timing is confirmed. Miss you girls!

Alright, New Year is coming. Happy New Year!

2nd Job Interview

2006-12-28T16:45:00.001+08:00

I went for my second job interview today. Despite the company mentioning that it was an interview, the interviewer seems more like introducing his company rather than asking questions. It was a group interview by the way. Initially I was quite afraid that this would be some sort of scam. At the moment, everything still seems alright. I would have to go for another interview again tomorrow. I think, it is more like a briefing. And it would last about two hours.

I want to finish reading my book soon.
A quote from the book that I found quite relevant:
"There was an uncomfortable silence but Pakula sat through it. He had learned a long time ago that when people confided something gut-wrenching, they didn't necessarily want someone telling them it's okay. They knew it would never be okay. They just wanted someone to listen."
-Alex Kava "A Necessary Evil"

driving: subject 4 again

2006-12-22T23:01:00.001+08:00

ARGH! I learn subject 4 again today. I thought I was able to go out of the circuit, onto the mainroad... Well, apparently, my coordination was poor according to today's instructor. I know that but still, it was embarrassing! Like lesson 2, both instructors said i drive quite quickly, given the limits of the circuit. For your information, I didn't even hit 30km/h. Looks like So it the problem is me and not the car in front being too slow. I must exert more control. Enjoyed myself though. Still got that happy feeling that lingers after driving lessons.

This evening, I went to watch 'curse of the Golden Flower" with mummy. It was a crazy show with a crazy ending. Jay Chou looked quite un-glam in some scenes.

I bought Hamasaki Ayumi's 8th album tittled "Secret"

03. Startin'
"いつでも始められる
終わりにだってできる
準備が整ったら　
あとは君次第
答えなんてない　誰も教えてくれない
もしどこかにあるとしたら　君はもう手にしてる
貫くって決めたんなら　
思いきり胸張って顔を上げる事"

05. It was
"居る訳がない事はわかっているのに
それでも探し続けたんだ"

That reflects how I feel at this moment.

There are other songs which has very nice tunes and pretty lyrics. Such as "Blue bird" and "momentum". Try listening. Enjoy.

Provisional Driving License

2006-12-21T15:00:00.000+08:00

18th Dec Monday

I went for the traffic Police Basic theory Test. Manages to pass after checking through my answers for 5 times. Of course, I was really happy. When I was registering to get my Provisional Driving License (PDL), I realised that you have to use nets to pay and have an eye test. I didn't bring the nets card and my glasses. Too bad.

19th Dec Tuesday

Raining crazily the whole day. My first time playing DOTA. Its fun though I am noob-ish.

20th Dec Wednesday

Went to collect my PDL. I managed to get it this time round. Met Weng in the afternoon and we shopped around town and suntec. We met Ellise on our way to the MRT too. Glad to see her again. And she wears contact lenses now. Prettier of course. Oh, and weng and I went to the arcade to kill time. The games thrilled us and we screamed in public. Nevermind, at least I have someone to be embarrassed with me. Went to meet Hazel at Pasir Ris and then we went for ODAC chalet together and met Keith and CheeYong at the bus interchange. Did more of BBQ-ing and talking.

21st Dec Thursday

Had breakfast and also played some arcade and pool. Rushed home to shower but still have problems getting the BBQ smell out of my hair. Going for 2nd driving practical lessons later. Must do warm up, because i don't want my legs to cramp. Lets have fun.

AJC Prom 2006

2006-12-09T03:22:00.000+08:00

06 Dec

AJC Prom 2006

Venue: Meritus Mandarin
Dress Code: Retro

Not all the girls turned up dressed in retro theme; not a handful guys came in the theme too. Well as usual, people did their hair, bought their gowns or retro dresses for the rest. Some came in more attention-grabbing dresses which are what I'll say " Peek-a-boo". Didn't hear of any nose-bleed cases though. More or less, people are more interested in snapping photos than paying attention to the activities or eating. Didn't do much eating on my part and the food didn't leave a strong impression. So no food comment here. Lucky draw has many prizes but none of them seem fantastically good. The top few prizes were not too surprising, so by now, I cannot remember clearly what it is.

Sorry for the dissapointment people. But as usual, I won't like to show pictures which one can clearly discern me on the blog. Probably only "at-least-3-people" photos. So no "buddy" pics here. Check done out before I take them down!

Standard Chartered Marathon 06

2006-12-09T02:45:00.000+08:00

03 Dec

Standard Chartered Marathon 10km.

I don't know if I was looking forward to it or drearding it. I havent been training much.

Anyway, just went early at 6 am to Chua's place to meet up with Simone, Julianne and Valerie. This year, not running with ODAC as not many people signed up for the run. Myra has injured her toe, so she is not able to do the run with me. It is ok though, at least Simone won't nag me so much about standing out on her.

Valerie had to deposit something, so we went to her fitness club. It had a very nice toilet cum locker room. We met Simone and Julianne shortly after that. Valerie's friend, Melissa, and Simone's brother, Aundrey, was also with them.

After sending Aundrey off for his race alone, Simone and I met Cheryl on the way back to meet the rest and do our warm up. I saw the juniors too. They were more like all over the place.

The race itself was fun. Started with slow jog together with Simone and Cheryl while the rest was lost in the sea of runners in front of us. After 5km, Simone and Cheryl decided to walk and so I went to continue the run on my own. It was not that bad running alone- no stress, own time own pace. Met a couple of juniors on the way and also saw my cousin on the other side. It was amazing that I could actually inish the whole 10km without walking at all. I even had the runner's high at some point. Altogether, it felt good.

After the race, we slacked at MOS and then went back to Chua's office. Later, the Chua people "trooped" down to Esplanade's "No Signboard" Restaurant for a tasty and expensive meal. Chua treated us to the meal and brought along wine. On top of the wine, he ordered beer for the above-18 tables. Below, is the menu as far as I can remember.

Lobster salad
Lobster come in real big chunks coated with mayonise that has a slight zesty after-taste and bits of fruits and lettuce.

Shark's Fin Soup
Not much fin to be observed but still tastes good. Not too starchy, just right I felt.

Abalone with Spinach.
Abalone was sliced into thin slices and served generously. Spinach is a little over-cooked and lost its crunch. Abalone is nice and soft though.

Tofu with Meaty gravy
The tofu is really smooth with a chewy skin. Eating the tofu is sufficient to satisfy the taste-buds. The tofu comes with pork gravy in which I have to remove. So try for yourself to see.

Chicken in Spice
The chicken parts are deep fried till crispy and it has this spicey tinge to it. Tastes good but it came in too big portions.

Oat Prawns
The prawns are fried to crispy, you can even eat its head and shells. Hence, no messy, dirty fingers. It tastes buttery with the oats are in abundant. There were a few at my table who seemed extremely interested in scooping up to eat the fired oats though I thought it was a little to salty.

White Pepper Crab
This is superb. The aroma of pepper just hits you when the waitress sets it on the table. The heat of the crab is just alright, such that one can peel the shell without resulting in scalded fingers. The shell of the crab is crushed so it is easy to peel in big chunks. There is also plenty of solid orange roe that comes with the crab. Despite the classy ambience adorned with many displayed ornaments, we still licked our fingers after eating our crab. That is how good the crab is.

Hong Kong Noodles
Probably we were already full by this time. The noodles was a tinge to blend and plain. It was generously accompanied by straw mushrooms though.

Almond Jelly with Longan
Almond Jelly is smoother than those you normally get. The taste is sweet and the scent of almond is rich and fragrant. No hint of bitterness. recommended to those who doesn't mind almond flavour. Longan is just like what you get from those canned longans.

Thanks Chua! For the marathon and the meal. I hoped you enjoyed your time with us though you didn't eat much. We sure enjoyed ourselves. Will miss lots of Chua people too!

Went to Weng's house.

2006-11-29T09:45:00.000+08:00

These are Weng's stuff toys.Does that piggy look familiar? "My lovely Sam Soon" reminds you of anything?

One of my favourite stuffed toys in Weng's room. Haha. This is Spermo. What did you think it was? A super big mike with an eye and a set of braced toothy grin? Cute.

Me and Spermo. I like Spermo's grin! I wouldn't normally show my solo photo on the blog but well. I thought the picture was quite cute, though I looked like I just woke up. Its ok though. Since I am quite unrecognisable.

PS: Don't be mistaken. I am not a perv.

Rude tagger at Odac blog

2006-11-26T12:46:00.000+08:00

Don't understand why some people can be so ignorant and trying to embarrass himself/ herself so badly on a community blog. What happened was that there was someone who identified himself/herself as aj choir on Odac blog's tag-baord and claimed that Odac is a "disgrace to the school" and "is such a loser".

I was taken aback of course. What a cowherd- come on, have some guts and put down your real name! Just be careful don’t get caught because our teacher in-charge blogs there too. Anyway, how is ODAC a disgrace to aj? You just didn’t see our contributions. The decorations for national day, Chinese new year and college day, they don’t just pop out by magic. Maybe to you our contributions may be minute compared to the world champions- aj choir but it is contributions anyway. On top of that, we had lots of fun doing what we are doing- kayaking, sports climbing, going for expeditions and taking part in competitions. We win prizes too ok. And it is not easy to go for adventure racing. It is both mentally and physically challenging ok. Why not you try it? Try to win some prize for adventure racing? Perhaps joining one will make you clear your mind… make you know the importance of thinking before shooting off with that mouth of yours. Come join ODAC, you need some character building. Grow up!

Actually I was feeling quite suspicious about the post. Aj choir really has very nice people who are really talented singers. I really doubt if the person who posted that message is really from choir. Seriously… Oh yes, for those who don’t know, I am proud to say that Aj Choir has won the choir Olympics. Yes, it is an international achievement. So don’t think AJ is only a mugger’s school. :)

Haze - PSI 80

2006-10-06T18:34:00.000+08:00

It is like so hazey at my place now. Heard that today's PSI is 80. Makes my eyes itch. Went to jog in the morning and I still thought that the air was quite good.

Drink more water!

"Sometimes, you don't want to escape the world; sometimes you want to escape yourself."

"The answers never come with cries of 'Eureka!' You stumble toward them, often in total darkness. You stagger through an unlit room at night, tripping over the unseen, lunbering forward, bruising your shins, toppling over and righting yourself, feeling your way across the walls and hoping your hand happens upon the switch. And then when you find the switch, when you flick it on and bathe the room in light, sometimes the room is just as you pictured it. And then, sometimes you wonder if you'd have been better off staying forever stumbling in the dark."

Harlan Coben- The Final Detail

can't believe I feel like puking when I saw my results

2006-10-03T19:33:00.000+08:00

I think I am suffering from with-drawal symptoms. Pardon me, I didn't take drugs or smoke or whatever. A few days ago, I got back my results and there was this urge to puke whenever I mention them or think of them. Not only is there an urge to puke, I actually vomitted a few times. This symptom lasted for a few days.

I just couldn't help it. What was carved was words of encouragement. It help me move along a bit. I just couldn't help it. Will upload pictures of the "carvings" if I feel like it the next time, though not really visible from the photos. Move along.

Deleted! :) Time to smile :)

23rd Sept 2006 IJRCY gathering

2006-09-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, although I was feeling lethargic, I still enjoyed my time with you girls. It was really great hanging out with you people. People who have the same frequency. We are in phase and resonating. Joke.

Anyway, the message sent out for the gathering also had a joke in it. That is " attire Mufti". Luckily no one turned up in mufti...

So we went to Plaza Singapura and hung out at the arcade while waitintg for Yiping to make her arrival. Yeah... chairperson... so have to give some honour. Yuting (vice chair) just finished her track duties was burnt and famished. So after some time we went to Pasta Mania to stall for some time. In the end we made our purchases while Yiping came in. She looks skinier. Coincidentally I guess, we all ordered Ariabita (or something like that). The cook was really generous with helpings of Chilli but looks like he was quite stingy with my plate of Linguine. As usual, tabasco sauce in front of my plate. Can't seem to get enough of it. To quote Ruo, I prbably have a higher tolerance level. But it was quite comical to see them taking in sips of air to calm those spiced up nerve endings of their tongues, adding cheese powder and sharing the huge cup of mango soothie Weng ordered. In the end, it was the milk bought from the supermarket by Dawn that saved these pretty damsels in distress, including herself. Yuting, seems to also have higher tolerance level for chilli. After that, spent time walking around the mall since we couldn't decide what we wanted to do and the movies were un-timely. Went to slack at Gelare while watching Yiping and Dawn eat their waffle. We had our last stop at Spotlight and a few of us were tired. Yiping left us at the mall while Weng went to the NE line ( aka purple line - by my lingo). The rest of us took the same train and each alighted at our individual stops. So there. Doesn't sound really interesting from the above account but anyway, I had good company and lots of catching up done, so I felt it was time well spent.

To know that, sometimes, some of you my dearest friends are feeling the same way about common things. It makes me feel no longer a weirdo, it helps me move along. Grateful to have known you.
Start to miss you people all over again.

T2H said and Ruo's encouragement

2006-09-16T16:46:00.000+08:00

Tech Hao said:
hmm why u cant ans the questions?
normally 3 reasons
1. dunno the theory
2. due to lack of practice u cant proceed
3. the questions set includes anomalous cases that usually tend to contradict what u learn in ur notes
3 is no choice one la... coz cant help it de... must do critical thinking...
or else practice lots and look at pple's solutions AND learn how to deal with that anomaly.
however u have to know that anomalies occur unlimitedly... so u cant possibly completely know ALL the anomalies

Ruo Yun's encouragement:
It could be the stress or ling chang fan yin on the exam day itself... but I have to pick myself up, appear stong and just move on. So just give it all you have... we can overcome this.

Ruo, so glad that you messaged me after reading the previous entry. Your message cheered me up. Thanks dear.

only if my function of f(x) is not = y

2006-09-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

Only if my function of f(x) is not = y

It was scarey. I didn't know I have been sleep-walking for such a long time. I didn't know when it begin. It might have been there for days, weeks months or even a year. I need to wake up. I need to. How desperate am I to get out of this sleep-walking, this trance. I tried to wake up, but it seems like I can't. Someone, wake me up.

Well, actually I don't sleep-walk. The above paragraph is just a description of my feelings now. Days pass so quickly that I don't notice. Sometimes when I wake up, I didn't know what I did within the pass 24hrs of sober time. It's scarey. And it just dawned on me a few moments ago this "sleep-walking" trance is happening to me. I studied, i practised and I have proof of them. Even so, the preliminary papers I have just done don't seem to reflect much. Now I am pretty scared to get back the results although there are still 3 more to go next week. I guess I am going to fail all of them again. Failing my exams... it didn't appear as prominent two years ago; last year failing didn't seem significant- like some norm or at least I didn't take it seriously, and now it hits me hard in the face and I learn to feel afraid. It became some sort of sign as to whether I studied hard enough and get those information into my head and putting them down on paper.

The only missing link now is what the problem is. I know a problem exist in my studying and it causes me not to do well for my exams. But I just can't idenify what the problem is. Hate it when people ask me "why your results like that? What is the problem?" Hate it because I don't even know.

Need to get some help here... Want to help myself to but I don't know why the way I am helping myself doesn't improve the condition much. HELP!

Seems like this function is true to me... just don't know how to prove it:
f(x)= exam results if I studied
y= exam results if I did not study
where y= f(x)

why arh?
in desperate need of accurate answers!

All I can say to cheer myself up: Work harder you lazy ass!

BBQ 2nd Sept

2006-09-05T12:00:00.000+08:00

Family BBQ on Saturday. It's just like those normal family BBQs we have. Catch up with one another, eat, gossip. 二姐 came home from China. Thought she gained some weight. 雨轩 looked like she has gained some weight too after attending primary one. Some photos of yuxuan and yuheng.

Yuxuan and Yuheng posing on the stairs.

Feels like I don't matter to my friends.

2006-08-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

Chua asked why I did not sign up for half marathon this year. And I hesitated as to what I should tell him. Then I said "I thought nobody running half, so I signed up for 10km." Basically, I think I half-lied.

I really wanted to run the half. And I thought that since ODACians have agreed on signing up for the 10km then I should just go with the majority. Making it perhaps another ODAC event. It was a dissapointment to hear Hazel telling me today that the rest are thinking of signing up for the half marathon. And I thought we have agreed earlier on. I was trying to hide that disspointment and that little bit of frustration mixed with a pinch of anger. First phrase that came to mind was "pang-seh". Didn't take into consideration how I will have felt probably. Especially I have told them not only once that I have signed up for 10km. It wasn't like I didn't ask them time and again before signing up what they really want. feeling hurt now.

Luckily Myra already signed up for 10km. If no one signs up for 10km after all the talk before I signed up then it will be extremely dissapointing and I would feel like it didn't matter whether I existed in the batch. If that was to happen, I would probably burst out in tears over my regret for not signing for half marathon, Chua hounding me and perhaps my "non-existance" in a CCA that I thought I enjoyed. I'm probably too concerned over whether I am being thought for, un-cherished. :(

Didn't feel like my friendship has been appreciated.
Didn't feel like I mattered.
Perhaps it didn't matter whether I felt like I mattered.
Hmm, just don't feel good.

Dissapointment grows more each day.
Doesn't feel like I have more to say.

"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan

how to compare?

2006-08-29T23:55:00.000+08:00

I don't want to compare and I don't like to anyway. I guess it has been a long time since I sincerely want to know how much somebody got for their exams and see whether they have beaten me. I simply am more concern over my own grades now. even if I ask people about their grades, it was just like asking for the sake of asking. Can't be bothered to take it to heart. And I guess I have become happier.

Well, recently I got pretty worried when I was doing paper 3 of Nov 2004 for physics and got a shock after seeing the number of circles I have accumulated on the question numbers. Those are the questions that I can't answer. And for a moment, I thought that I have revised my physics. I am quite loss as to what to do next. Do more papers, or revise again. I feel as if those things I have revised has gone down the gutter. Time was lost unknowingly with these revisions which wasn't 100% efficient. Scary.

Then I look at my friends and I see them doing so much more than me. And we all have 24hrs a day and they live further from school than me. they seem to be able to do those questions I could not. And what are these implications? It is freaking me out and I am feeling very de-moralised again.

I should be reminding myself not to neglate chemistry and maths while doing all these mugging for physics. To me, physics seems easier to do and I can cover more in the same time frame as compared to when I do maths or chemistry. It gives me this sense of achievement. I guess I really need more practise for maths and chemistry but most of the time I will get stuck and then I will be wasting a lot of time. It is somehow unpleasant to see questions in which you are unable to complete and that hinders you from trying further and doing more or even to the extent of working on that subject the next time.

Well, I don't mean to compare with my classmates now, in terms of who study more. It simply upsets me and gives me no positive outcome by comparing our studying progress in which there are many factors which differs. I can only urge myself not to unawaringly have thoughts of " How come X can cover so much, revise so much in such a short time while I can only do so much." Irritating thoughts.

"Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me."
-Eminem: Stan

Don't want to be affected. Don't want to be hindered.

2006-08-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

argh... irritated

I thought I got out of the sticky mess, but looks like there is still a bit of stickiness I need to manage here.

I really don't want to care about this anymore. I just can't. Sometimes I don't think it is worth it. If you can't treasure what you already have and cause yourself so much misery over something you have lost and I doubt you can ever get it back, in what way more can I still help you. Open your eyes big and you will see. There are so many people around you who cares so much about you. And sometimes I just feel that you just take them as if they were the pillars you pass by. I feel like I am one of the pillars too. I don't know but I get this feeling that when you look for me and hang out with me, it is not your true intention. I can't be there for you to cry on all the time. You have got to learn and stand on your own feet. Whatever, say I don't understand. I just can't help you anymore... that is the limit where I will go. Sorry. I still regard you as a friend but then, I kind of feel that I am taken for granted here.

As for the other you, team-mate, I hope that it will not affect your A's and as well as mine. I still remember your friendship, no matter what. But for your good,perhaps mine too, I think I will have to 'siam' you as well. Sorry for that. Perhaps in that way, she won't have the excuse to come near you. If you know what I mean. Hopefully you will understand. Thanks for all those times you encouraged me and made me perservere to complete the race or the climb. I didn't want our friendship to turn out this way too. At the moment, I just can't think of anything better.

I guess this must have sounded really selfish. But what can I do. I don't want myself to suffer over something that does not even concern me in the first place. I wanted to be a pillar of hope at the start but I came to realise that there is only so much I can do. I have been there for you and I think it is time I have to help myself and devote more time for myself to reach my own goals. Hope you can understand and just let me be.

I will not let anything stop me, for I now have already set my goal, and it is time for me to get there.

Glad for me? No longer drifting aimlessly. I have found some direction in life and am working towards it.

pride

2006-08-10T16:43:00.000+08:00

Missing this

and this...

Maybe I am just missing a temporary facade.

Recently, I kind of feel I am no longer close to 22nd batch. Was that the case all along? In IJRCY, I don't mind going through the same things again, so long as I am with my batch. As for ODAC, I feel I can go through the same things again, no matter who the people are. What does that conclude? I like the people more than the activities in IJRCY and I like the activities more in ODAC? Would Mr Lim be dissapointed to hear this. Afterall, this is not the outcome he wants, I guess.

When I am feeling low... who will be there? Who will I turn to?
Who am I close to? Who is close to me?

When there are too many things troubling me, and I don't want to just let go. There were times I feel like I was left alone to handle all this. And then, I thought, it was just me who didn't want to ask for help. I refuse to let anyone help. I am reluctant to let anyone know. Maybe I would rather hurt myself than to hurt my pride.

The more I let you know my weakness, the closer I am to you. So who is my closest?

Tiding through.

"I believe"

2006-07-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hmmz, I really don't know why bees love to come into my room. Especially at night. The bee is huge and buzz away loudly. I don't mind the bee but still I'm quite scared it will sting me or something. I think bees are cute. And they have yellow stripes. And what's more, they are furry too. haha. I guess perhaps I have too many brightly coloured things in my room that attracted it over.

Recently, I have been listening to this song over and over again. I think the melody sounds so beautiful with a tinge of sadness in it. I can't say much about the lyrics bcause I have not found its translations yet. I am working out the keys of this song on my old electone at home. "I Believe"

Just got back some of my papers. Lousy grades. Feeling a little lost. I don't know how to continue, how to study. Is my study method wrong? I really am at a lost at what to do now.

"I believe", that's such a strong phrase. So assured, so definite.

Sorry. It is hard to be an angel. Your angel.
"I believe"... ...do you?

:(

2006-07-02T13:18:00.000+08:00

To you, thanks. I don't want to lie to you. Talking to you didn't take away the problem and that feeling. But, it made me feel much better and made the problem much bearable. Thanks. Hope you know who you are, then you will know that you are the person I am thanking. :)

I am like so disgusted. Keep having headaches and dizzy spells suddenly these days. Injury-prone. Un-healthy. Why can't I be stronger? Or is it because...

Sometimes I really wonder if my body is weak or is it because I haven't been treating it well enough. Am I pushing myself too hard and off my limits sometimes. I am like so disgusted with myself to say this. I am already that weak. If I don't push myself, I will only become weaker. Right?

weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.

I didn't care if it got hurt. Sorry.

I think, I am not much of an angel. Not your angel. Sorry.

weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.weak.

Move Along - All American Rejects

2006-06-22T18:06:00.000+08:00

Move Along by All American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

No smoking, Hazel

2006-06-21T10:27:00.000+08:00

just trying to figure out how to upload photos...

Thinking how to upload the "No smoking, Hazel" photo... :s
IT noob.
There it goes:)

Hair Cut

2006-06-19T10:07:00.000+08:00

I just got my hair cut yesterday. Yeps, I am tired of having to use so more than the usual amount of shampoo; my "tails" curling around my ears; tying my hair up just because it feels hot. I thought if I have it cut one week before school reopens, I still have time to think about how to savage it.

Can't get more creative this time. So it is back to the punk style with a strands standing at the top. Also known as 蚯蚓头 earthworm head. Haha. Fur-ry head-ed. I thought its quite a cute style... just like some anime character. The bad side is that, I need to wear a cap out if I just got out of bed.

Exactly seven days before school reopens.

New blog skin

2006-06-16T11:36:00.000+08:00

Alright, back from rinjani...

lazy to enter the seven days of experience...learnt quite a bit through this not so easy trip... fruitful:)

Changed my blogskin to something cheerful... Spongebob. I guess this is the second spongebob blogskin I used. The other's background was black and now this is white. I guess white feels more refreshing. Still in the midst of changing the font colours, adding links and aligning. Tiring.

Should stop procrastinating and get down and hit the books... not much time till mid years.Not even ten days left. I have been playing too much. Try to study but nothing seems to sink in. It seems like I let everything distract me. radio on, radio off. fan on, fan off. computer on, computer off. drink water, go toilet pee. How long can I sit still and concentrate to study? frustrated.

2006-05-30T12:02:00.000+08:00

Quotes from Harlen Coben's novel " Tell No One"

"the overriding lesson was simply this: You could trust nature but not man."

"Fleeing was a great plan, but a destination would make it even better."

"Night has taken serious hold, blanketing the manicured grounds. The crickets hummed an almost pretty melody, as though the super-rich could even manipulate that. Tinkling piano music spilled from the sliding doors. Lights from inside the house provided a modicum of illumination, casting shadows of burnt red and yellow."

"The wind blew, the trees danced, the purple-orange of sunset was starting to give way to a polished pewter."

"I ran then. Branches whipped my face. I didn't care. My legs begged me to let up. I paid them no heed. My lungs protested. I told them to toughen up. When I finally made the right at the semi-phallic rock and rounded my path's corner, the tree was still there. I moved closer and felt my eyes start to well up."

I especially like the second quote and the first part of the last one.

Escape route: read

2006-05-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

"There are sudden rips. There are tears in your life, deep knife wounds that slash through your flesh. Your life is one thing, then it is shredded into another. It comes apart as though gulted in a belly slit. And then there are those moments when your life simply unravels. A loose thread pulled. A seam gives way. The change is slow at first, nearly imperceptible."

"She saw it the first day - the shatter in their eyes- and while progress had been made, lives had been lived, pieces had been picked up, the shatter had never left."

I love to read. Good books with interesting plots drowns me in the story and let me escape from my monotony. Still escaping. The shatter had never left.

Eminem's Curtain Call

2006-05-01T11:23:00.000+08:00

New escape route : Eminem's Curtain Call CD

"My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all And even if I could it'll all be grey. "

"I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry."

Have I lost my halo? Did I even have one in the first place?

Pain.

Escaping is only weakness.